Talks with the Mirror

Capitulo 9: Marriage

2019

When I was little, I was always repulsed by the idea of being in a relationship and having kids. I was especially repulsed by the idea of getting married. Something about having to spend the rest of my life with a man who I would take care of, cook for, and have sex with, really made me want to be a nun. 

I actually did want to become a nun when I was a kid. It was the only option I knew of. I was really committed to not having to have sex with men.

Whenever my girl friends would talk about their boyfriends and how one day they would like to get married in some church somewhere and have a beautiful family, I could see it in their eyes that they really wanted all of that and that they really saw it all coming true in their future. 

I saw nothing.

I could not, for the life of me, imagine myself in a healthy, wealthy, and happy relationship in my later years. I couldn't see myself with anyone I would love that much. I was sixteen years old without a single hope for love. Even slowly starting to become comfortable with the idea that I would have to live alone for the rest of my life. I would manage, I thought. While I was actually scared of it being my fate.

Turned out, I'm not actually destined to living a loveless life, I'm just gay.

And what a freaking one-eighty turn to my head that was.

I don't say this to be cute or anything, but:

I never imagined myself getting married until I first got into a relationship with a girl.

Discovering my sexuality wasn't just an awakening to my sexual side, it was a door to my sweet dreams of marriage and making a family. It allowed me to feel less lonely in my days because I knew that my future wouldn't have to be lonely after all. I could actually start to look forward to being a relationship where I'm not disgusted by the other person. Such a wild thing!

All of a sudden lone wolf me was gone, and I became a penguin. I wanted to band with other penguins, find my penguin boo, and take care of our baby penguin and make sure that no harm comes to them. 

All of a sudden the lazy me who never cooked for anyone but herself wanted to have someone to cook for. Dreams of making breakfast in bed and taking care of her when she's sick.

All of a sudden the thought of having a kid to raise didn't make me want to hurl, and I looked forward to bringing up an infant in an environment of real love and devotion.

All of a sudden I smiled.

My dreams of a cool wedding flourished. 

I looked forward to being in love.

Everyone deserves that.