QUEER | tayley

because i'm happy now

Just over two years after my attempt at ending my life, I find myself in a hospital bed with Hayley's fingers running through my curls. My family surrounds my bed.

I know, this sounds bad. What could be good about me being in another hospital just two years later? I'm sure I'd assume the same, but it's actually far from similar to the previous events. While I wanted nothing more than to end my life two years ago, I am now happy to be alive. I wake up every morning with the knowledge that I have a solid support system behind me, and I also know that I am beginning to figure my life out. Now, I'm attending college to pursue a career in psychology, and specifically, I plan to become a gender therapist so I can help youth who have struggled like I have.

The reason I lay in a hospital bed (and with a smile on my face) is because, finally, I'm able to look down at my chest and be happy with what is there. Or, in simpler terms, I've finally gotten top surgery.

I should clarify that I cannot actually look at my chest yet, because the area is wrapped in bandages for the time being. Of course, I'm in a decent amount of pain, but knowing that the area of my body that has made me so insecure for several years of my life is now gone is all the relief I need to be able to push through the physical pain.

"How do you feel?" Hayley asks me as she plays with my hair.

"Tired," I mumble groggily. The changes of my body that have occurred are hard to miss, including a deeper voice, hair growth on my face and body (although, the former is limited to weak and patchy stubble), termination of my cycle, increased muscle mass, and some changes...down there. I know, not the most fun topic of discussion. A few other changes are present as well, but those are the most prominent of my new features. One quality that Hayley's certainly noticed is my increased libido, which I had not even noticed until she brought it up.

"We're so proud of you," my dad says with a smile. It's still weird to hear him say things like that, to hear him make statements that show his approval towards my transition. I knew that he was likely bound to accept it eventually, and it's great that he's as supportive as he is, but still weird, nonetheless.

All I ever wanted was to be okay. Luckily, my wish is coming true.