My Peripheral View

My Peripheral View Part II

The truth is, I knew her well. Even before she approached me at the park. She's at the back stage trying to get a good interview with Paul, our vocalist. I didn't think she noticed me in the corner but I was in the middle of my quiet moment before our performance.

I have a perfect peripheral view of her. I know that she's supposed to approach me but hesitant enough. My eyes were closed but I looked at her when she headed outside. She had turned for another gaze but I looked away.

I hate myself for indirectly dismissing her that time. What is it in me, always pushing people away. I hate that I admire her.Why am I feeling guilty of this feeling. I guess I hadn't moved on yet.

I didn't mean to be 'snub'. I wasn't prepared for a conversation with her. She seems so talented and her expressive eyes, her eyes seemed to see right through me.

I was looking at her, in my peripheral view. She was standing near the stage where I played the guitar. I don't see anyone but her alone. I had a perfect view of her smile and interval shout outs to the band. She's right there, in my peripheral view. I just felt the moment pass by. It was a loud crowd but she seemed a 'peaceful place' for me. She's my revery in a bunch of noisy strangers and a loud background.

No one would think, I'll be one of the band where I belong now. I was a shy type and I didn't feel like participating with school organization or activities. I used to play tennis but that's about it. I felt the adrenaline almost kill me after such a tragic event in my life.

I went to the same College where she takes her masters. It was just three years after I graduated when my college friends and I decided to perform as a band. We went back to our Alma Mater for a cause and tribute performance. It's when I first saw her waving our band poster, trying to get a good spot but she had a perfect spot in my peripheral view.

Then, I saw her at the park few months after our performance. I never thought I'll be back in our campus just to return her pen. I felt like it's a petty excuse so I change my mind and drive away. I headed to the studio where my band mates are rehearsing for next week's music video shoot.

There, I missed the opportunity again. Getting in touch with her seems the hardest part. I can't just show up and say 'Hi Nellie, you forgot your blue-ink pen'. I'd rather not do this if I'm going to appear like a 'snub' to those who might recognize me. I need to get a hold of her, but how?

Suddenly, I think about the park. The same park where I usually sit in disguise and watch her. Will she be there before sunset?

I'm having these thoughts while driving down the street.

~~

Almost four years had passed but my memory keeps on reminding me of that tragic event of my life.

I was driving an old Dodge to pick up Melissa, my girlfriend. She's always on time and I was 25 minutes behind the time we agreed.

My girlfriend and I went to the graduation ball. It was supposed to be an evening of celebration. Finally, we earned a Bachelor's degree in Engineering. We both agreed to attend the party even though I was thinking twice of doing so. She encouraged me to get along with our common friends for the last time.

I didn't pay attention with the phrase 'for the last time'.

I was driving while we were happily chatting about a lyrics I told her about. There was a blinding light appeared across the road. I was shock for a moment when a huge trailer blocked our way and I lost control of my own hands.

I saw Melissa's head bleeding. She's still conscious but I'm about to faint. Suddenly, I had a blurry vision of her. She wasn't moving at all. I called her name but only me can hear my voice. I heard a loud crashing sound of the car but I could hold on the steering wheel. We're at the edge of a cliff. The evening breeze touched my face.

I can't move my arms and legs.

I can't breathe. The car's headlight was still on but I couldn't see anything but darkness. It was a terrifying darkness before I fell unconscious.

I woke up in a hospital room. It was the brightest light I've ever seen but I still feel gloomy. 'Where's Melissa?' I asked the lady nurse but she can't hear me. It's all in my mind. I can't utter any words because my head and felt all wrapped in bandage.

I found out after few days that I had hemorrhagic shock. I stayed in the hospital for months because I need to undergo sets of operation. I had no idea where or what had happened to Melissa until I was ready to go home.

She died in a car due to severe head trauma and blood clot in her brain. I wasn't even there at her funeral. My mind resist to believe it was all happening. I locked myself in my own room and separated myself from the world. I blamed myself for being careless. My parents decided I should undergo a therapy so they had me visit a Psychologist. It went on for months but I still suffer trauma and nightmares of the same tragic night that killed Melissa.

It was a terrifying moment looking at the edge of the cliff. I felt like I'm falling but I wanted to think that I can fly. I felt the serenity of the wind and silence embracing my soul that's why I seek quiet moments at the end of the day.

I need to calm myself in a place where I can let my thoughts fly and meditate. Did I forgive myself already? I don't think I could. I still feel this guilt inside me. In my peripheral view, I see myself drowning in the crowd.

One day, I found myself glaring again. I can see her in my peripheral view but I can't look at her directly. The guilt is still in me. Why am I feeling guilty for finding peace in her presence? In Nellie's eyes, I saw myself forgiving myself but not forgetting the tragic event in my life.

Is it possible to forget all the pain? Is it fair to treat her like nobody when she almost captured the best part of me. She makes me feel brand-new but she didn't know.

I love the way she do things but I seem not to care when she's around. In my peripheral view, I mastered her smiles and frowns. Not so far away, I can kiss her forehead to reward her for such a job well-done on her speech. I pretend not to notice when she clap her hands because she's finished memorizing her piece. I was just sitting on the bench looking somewhere but the corner of my eyes fixed in her direction.

Will she be there this afternoon? "Hey Nel, are you ready for the rehearsal?" asked Paul. " You seem to be in deep thoughts. What is it bothering you my friend?" he added. Then Jessy, our drummer just added 'Or maybe, who is bothering your thoughts, Nelly?" There I heard that name again.

"Stop calling me Nelly!" Jessy was just teasing me so I look away. In reality, I love the sound my nickname now. "Nellie", I said absentmindedly while shaking my head and smiling at my guitar.

My band mates looked at me like they're all puzzled with what I just said.

"Nellie?". What's wrong with them?

To be continued...