I can hear my voice from the other room. "You're not nice enough to that kid! Shut that wretched mouth of yours, get out of this place, prepare yourself, then come back. This is your job; you should do it well."
I am a teacher in a pre-school. Now is group activities time, a twenty-minute period set aside for the kids to play and interact with each other. Occasionally I give them puzzles to solve or problems to think about.
Usually I'm quite a nice person. But today seems to be my worst day ever in my whole of seven years teaching in this school. I'm slipping up, not fitting well enough in the role of the caring and nurturing teacher, and my inner critic is so harsh that I almost cringe at its berating. But then again, even on my best days, my inner critic - or I would say, the other me - would still criticise me for not achieving perfection.
I hate yet love that other me.
One of the kids, Mike, waddles up to me. "Ms Karen, can you give me another puzzle? I'm bored!" he whined. At the age of four, Mike is the smartest among his class.
Instantly, the other me calls from the other room, "How do you really know how smart they are? Everyone has potential. Stupid you."
Only my years of experience hold up my façade.
"Sure, let me get you another." I walk over to the box in the corner and take out the most challenging puzzle there is. It's so challenging that even I can't solve it, but I guess Mike will have a field day with it.
"Yeah, but if he can't solve it, it will be so discouraging, and you can't even solve it yourself! If he asks you for help, you can't help him and that will ruin your hard-earned reputation, not that you even deserve it to begin with."
I wish I could shut me up, but without this criticism, how was I to improve?
"Or don't, and live with the guilt."
I walk around the classroom, checking on the kids. Jacob is arguing with Ana over a toy. I gently pull them apart, briefly lecture them and face yet another harsh critique from me.
Oh, the worst day of my life. I thought maybe the other me was beginning to approve. I thought wrong.
"You're always wrong, Karen. But I'll guide you through your mistakes. By the way, you should aim for greater perfection."
Yesssssir.
