Our Surprises.

8. Head Above Water

GULITY. 

Such a simple word that now dictated my life. I've made peace with that. I am guilty. I ruined their lives, but I deserved them more. I always have. I was the person Liam was with in the media. I'm the one they hand picked for to be with Liam. I'm the one that was supposed to parent Kairi. But, as much as I know I deserve them, I know I have to let them ago. 

I know I have to let them get on with their life. I  have to pay for what I did to them. I just want one hug from the both. To say goodbye. But right now at this point I don't get to hug them to love them on more time. But I can say that I'm sorry. 

"Ms. Smith do you have anything you would like to say to the family that you put through so much pain." The judge looked down on me.  I looked to Liam and Kairi. Then to Zayn. There was so much I wanted to say, and not enough time.  

I nod and clear my throat.  I took a deep breath, ringing my fingers. "Um, Liam, I'm sorry for what I put you and your family through. I am sorry you got hurt in this situation. I never meant to. I just wanted to be with you. I wanted to mother your children." Liam looked at me with disgust, my heart broke. He hates me. "I know now that I am not suppose to be in your life or your family's. I know that what I did was wrong and the I shouldn't have done any of what I did. But, I love you and Kairi so much that it makes me do things I shouldn't and I know that. I am so very, very, sorry for what I have done." 

I nodded my head one time before looking at them, one last time before turning back to the judge. With a bang of her gavel she spoke loud and confident, "Bailiff take the defendant." The bailiff walked over to me put the cuff back on my wrists and led me out of the court room. I kept my head down, defeated. Zayn got what he wanted; me out of their lives. I love them, but I got to let them go so they can be happy. Kairi with his dads and his sisters. 

Kairi doesn't need me.  

Liam doesn't need me. 

Kairi doesn't want me. 

Liam doesn't want me.  

No one wants me. 

I guess that's something I need to get used to. I need help. 

I get placed in holding. They tell me I have to wait for a bus to take me to the jail, then I'll had to wait in intake, after that I don't know. I have to come to realize that I need a  professional's help, because this wouldn't have happened, I don't think, if I had help and medication. 

They'd be happier if I wasn't here. 

 XxX 

On the bus there were other women, they all looked mean.  Now I can tell you how their hair looked and if they had tattoos or if they had a whole where their piercing used to be but that doesn't tell you any thing. It's all in their eyes. They could be completely covered in tattoos and have their head shaved but their eyes tell you the story. 

Example, the girl next to me long hair fading red, eyebrow piercing, moon tattoo on her left hand right between her thumb and pointer. It wasn't shaded in. Her demeaner speaks oldest kid, couldn't be more than nineteen, never had enough attention, but as she turns to me tells me to stop staring, her eyes linger. They tell me that she's scared. 

Scared of what though? The pending strip search that waits for us once we stop? The bunking with other girls who probably don't care about privacy? Or is she scared because she has a family and isn't sure when she was going to see them again? 

Wouldn't know that fear, I have no one. Liam was my family and he doesn't want me. I turn my head and look at the girl diagonal from me. 

This lady has short hair, a cute pixie cut, and ends a bubble gum pink. Looks to be in her late twenties, turned her head toward me and her eyes had a sense of pride in them. She was proud of whatever got her here. She told me to mind my own and turned around.