The After Party

2 days until Homecoming

Homecoming is like not even forty-eight hours away and this is what you want me to think about? I look at Nolan with what I hope is an exasperated stare. It is six o'clock in the evening and he wants me to help him decorate for home coming since he is on the committee for it. That reminds me of an apparent point I could be making right now. I didn't sign up for this Nolan, you did.

He faces with me with an exasperated look of his own, and his is much more dramatic than mine. Look sweetheart, I am not going to have you moping around because you and Iyana got into a fight. I will not allow you to skip out on our final homecoming dance because you are afraid some guy, who frankly is not all that cute, may not dance with you. You are coming to help and you will feel better once you do. He says it and turns away with such finality.

Whatever. I have been in this library long enough so it will be nothing more than a quick study break. I say to him, trying to regain any dignity I can muster. Oh who am I kidding, he totally won this round. So what do I have to do? I don't usually do this sort of thing.

That is because you are too afraid of what bitches will say if you do show up. He puts his hands together between his knees and leans over to talk to me as if I am a small child who is being unbearable. You are not getting away with being afraid to put yourself out there.

I talked to Chaz. I say his name in a whisper. That is totally putting my-self out there. I retort.

No. He says it so calmly. It's like he feels sorry for me. Well that makes me feel more pathetic than usual. No honey. True, it was a good start, but you have to stop valuing yourself by people who don't truly value themselves. I know I am sounding like a parent right now, but sometimes they actually know what they are talking about. I will tell you what my mama told me when I was struggling with coming out. 'Until you can love yourself, see yourself through my eyes.' And honey you are the hottest thing around here.

Thanks Nolan. I hate to say it, but that does help a little. I wish I could have found words of wisdom like that when I was looking on the internet for help on this whole non-consensual sex issue. Ugh, I still hate thinking of the actual 'R' word. It's weird though. It's like I build myself up and I am just going to get let back down as soon as they even whisper.

Yeah, well we all deal with it. You just have to learn to keep on going. They are going to talk crap about you whether you are happy or sad. So, you minus well be happy while they are talking it, because it won't make a difference boo. Now let's stop talking so much about you and focus on these decorations. Here. He hands me table cloths and confetti. Spread these on all the tables and make it look dazzling.

I begin decorating the tables. Oddly enough I feel relaxed. There is a low buzz of murmurs and things being set up. There are not many people here to help, but I feel that it's better this way. It's nice to have moments like this despite all of the chaos. I can just let the words of Nolan and his mom ring through my head. I can forget about the insanity with My family and Iyana. For now there is no wondering what to do about having the number for M or the fact that Iyana talked to Maria. I can forget about the unfortunate thing that happened to me so recently. Well, I can't really forget, but at least in this moment it doesn't bother me. Sometimes it's nice to just zone out and stay inside your own head. I guess that's why I am so awkward around people and introverted. Thinking my random rambles is soothing to me, more than venting to others does.

Looking good there Miss Kayla. I hear a voice say from behind me. Why does someone need to interrupt a perfectly good moment of me feeling at peace?

Chaz? Oh Hey. Hey it's Chaz. Yep, I just announced who he was to him. I am mentally face palming myself so hard right now.

Hey. He says uncomfortably. It's Kayla.