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"Hey, what's with the frown?"

"Oh! Just day dreaming," she smiled.

But  the smile was far beyond real. The fakest smile she'd ever had to fake. Why would she worry people who don't even care about her? Smile and move on. Pretend you're fine even though every little thing has been eating away at you, and they'll believe you. You can't not believe someone if they don't tell you what's wrong. It's all essentially her fault that they don't know. She wishes they knew. She wished she didn't have to cry to them for them to know. She wished she didn't feel like this in the first place. Unfortunately, god had other plans.

The days dragged on, like the corners of her mouth that formed a frown; like her eyelids wanting to shut close. Catch her when she's alone and you can see how broken she feels. Don't be fooled by her obnoxious laugh. Don't be fooled by the jokes she makes. She hides behind these. Hides her exhaustion.

"No I'm not tired, I'll still do the dishes"

"No I'm not busy, what's wrong?"

"Mum are you alright?"

"Can you boys please just behave?"

"I'm fine, don't worry"

Let's be honest, because honesty is what she preaches but isn't what she is, she's exhausted but that won't stop her from helping out a tiny bit. Of course she's busy, she has a mountain load of school work to do, but she cares about you more. She's breaking herself, but her mums mental health is more important then her own. She's breaking and on the verge of tears yet her brothers just don't want to listen and behave. She is far from fine, please worry about her.

Is she just desperate at this point? Seems like it. But maybe it's good that she is. Maybe her desperation can pull her out of this slump she's been in. But why would anyone care? Tired eyes wanting to cry but nothing comes out. Tired body that wants to sleep, but even if she sleeps she can't rest. The pain of everything is just too unbearable. 

Why is she like this? Some days she thinks death is the better option. Some days she would never consider leaving the world. It's confusing. How can she go from loving herself to despising every inch of herself to the point she can't bear to look in the mirror? How can she go from loving life, living ever moment to the best, so happy- to not wanting to leave her bed, wanting to just sink further into the ground and become a skeleton like many before her have. She hates it. She hates herself. Encouraging words can be said but that's all they can be. They can't change her mind. She wished they could. God she fucking hates her mind so much.

She hates it for making her feel like this. For making her think her life is crumbling when it's no where close to it. She hates that it convinces her of all these horrible things. She hates that sometimes it's not even wrong.

Her stomach is bulging, she needs to lose weight. Her thighs are too big. Her lips are chapped. Her face is ugly and covered in pimples. Her eyes are weird. Her nose is too big. Her ears too small. Her hair is frizzy and ugly. She's too hairy. She's ugly. 

But still, there is so much more that her mind has told. So much more that she's started believing. Yet as she sits here with a nothing but numbness she can't deny any of it. Why is she like this?

She's not even procrastinating at this point. She's straight up completely avoiding work, avoiding everything. She's just wants to be alright. She just wants everything to be okay. Just for a day. Just for a day she wants to be held in a friends arms as they heal each other. Why is that too much? Why can't she have it? Why why why why WHY?

She begging for an answer but there is no answer in sight. None in the distance. None behind her. Sweet precious memories of a girl that loved life are fading.

Her dreams are playing a huge role. She must miss the people she used to hand out with. The toxic ones she once called best friends. They pop into her dreams every few days. As much as she hates to admit it...but perhaps her mind misses them. No. She doesn't miss them. She misses the memories and happiness. But her time as friends with them has long since passed.

Her mind blanks. She doesn't understand. She never does. The rushing thoughts will return soon. She doesn't want them to though. So she blasts music in hopes to drown them out, but it most likely won't work as they already start to seep into her mind. 

She just wants to sleep for a bit. Maybe she'll be fine when she wakes up. Mayeb she'll still be exhausted and lonely. But she needs proper rest. No school stress. Actual peace and calm.

.

.

But remember, no matter how exhausted and broken and numb she feels, she'll still keep going. Because not going on can concern others. Because if she gives up completely she'll be weaker then she already is. Because maybe one day, natural causes will get to her before she gets to herself.