February 26, 2019
7:07pm
two years ago I was Godless / eyes set on the ground pondering my meek existence / mindless weight on my shoulders / wishing for death, knowing that was the end of all ends / total blackness coming to save me / from the vibrant unknown / hungering to be a God herself amongst mortals /
I'm afraid / things have changed /
I yearn to pray like my mother does when she walks out the door / crossing herself like she's done countless times before, / now just a reflex, a second-nature /
and I stare on / and I contemplate /
who has betrayed me so deeply that I cannot have faith in a silent Being watching over me like she does? / who has done me such harm that I feel as though / I am not worthy of the unconditional love the church preaches on and on about? /
I cannot find solace in the church and its immaculate walls, high ceilings, / and Jesus' crucified figure in every corner /
I cannot have faith in no man above me /
how can I have faith if I do not know your face / your soul / your touch /
for me, / to write poetry / is to be able to touch God /
when I Create, I see Divinity /
for me, Divinity is in the love we give and receive /
Divinity, / God, /
is in the roaring waves of the sea / the sunbeams dancing in your living room at 10 in the morning while you drink the last bit of your coffee / the silence in the woods / the chirping of the birds / the laughter of the people / the moment you fall in love /
Divinity, / God, / the Universe, / the Creator, / however you shall call it, / is
to Love and to Love purely/
is to kneel before It / and say / you believe and trust unconditionally, eternally
--
a/n
this one is an especially personal one for me describing my somewhat muddled relationship with the divine and my struggle to call that Divinity as "God" bc of whatever catholic guilt I've absorbed over the years! I'm very spiritual nowadays and have found a deep peace bc of that, for which I am grateful. I'm glad I was able to write this even if it is still muddled! much love <3 - F.
