The Lightest Path

2

The right person, but the wrong time.

- d.j

Bucky was dreaming. At least, that was what he thought. He didn't know that there people outside, trying to reduce HYDRA from his mind.
So in his head, there was a storm raging, made from memories and words and unpleasant emotions.
Longing
The very first trigger word kept raging inside his head, around him, over and over again. With his hands - apparently he had his metal arm back in his mind, what felt strange - he covered his ears.
"Stop," he said hoarse as he trembled. "Stop!"
He opened his eyes and and saw that old bank room, where Grace ran into when he first saw Steve again. Where he forgot everything again - the Winter Soldier came alive there.
Longing
"STOP!"
Bucky almost fell onto his knees, he saw the scientists, Alexander Pierce. They smiled at him and gestured he had to sit down, ready to wipe everything out again.
"I'm not doing it," he said. Pierce smiled at him, like a predator. Bucky tried not to see the same features he had as Grace, he tried to forget that he was the father of the woman he loved so deeply.
"You don't have a choice," Pierce said. The trigger words flew around again. "Your work has been a gift to mankind. Do it again."
"No! I'm not doing it!" Bucky repeated and suddenly the area disappeared, he remembered everything he did for the enemy he once tried to destroy.
He was riding the motorcycle again, in 1991, he couldn't stop himself as he shot the car.
"Stop," said Bucky, but his body didn't react. He was imprisoned in his own body, Bucky could only watch. His being just walked over to the crashed car, ripped the door open and took Howard Stark out.
"Sargent Barnes?" asked Stark, completely flabbergasted.
"Stop!" Bucky kept yelling the word as he punched Stark to death, tears rolling down his eyes as he closed them. He couldn't bear it anymore.
"I don't want this!"
Longing
And suddenly, everything changed. Bucky had control over his body again. He didn't stand outside. Stark was gone. Just like the raging word. It wasn't gone, it turned into a soft whisper in the background.
Still trembling, almost in shock, Bucky opened his eyes and looked around. Bucky's eyes grew bigger and he turned to see everything clear.
His era.
He was standing in the hall where he always went to dance with girls and friends. Steve never wanted to join him, and when he did, he was always standing aside, too small and too afraid.
The people around him were dancing on the jazzy music, they laughed loud and smoked and drank.
A hand was placed on his shoulder and with that touch, all the fear faded, just like the stress. The people were still there, not noticing them.
Bucky turned and looked down at Grace. She smiled at him. She looked a lot different than he was used to. Her beautiful hair, that once reached the bottom of her shoulders, was bond in a pretty '30 style. She wore a cute dress, covered with flowers and little white heels. Her make-up was natural, but her lips were as red as roses.
His doll, in another time.
"Don't you want to dance with me?" she asked, but Bucky didn't react. He reached out with his right hand and took a stray of hair.
"It suits you," he said, "but I prefer it loose." She giggled and Bucky gasped.
"But what are you doing here, Grace?" He gestured at their area, at his time. She didn't belong here. Dang, it would take almost fifty years from now on before she would be born.
Suddenly, the people around them disappeared, the music went out. They were alone in his old hangout bar, in silence.
"Isn't this what you want?" Grace frowned and took his hand in hers. Now Bucky frowned, too. "I thought you did."
"What do you mean?" he asked. Grace squeezed his hand.
"You're longing for this, right?" Bucky took a step back, but didn't release his hand from hers. He didn't have the strength to do it, he just got her back.
"No," said Bucky and he shook his head. "Don't, please."
"But it's the truth," whispered Grace as she got closer to him, way closer. She was so close that he could smell the parfume of her hair as she lied her head in the back of her head, so she could look at him. Her lips were almost touching his and Bucky needed to focus. He was way too distracted, she was like a sweet, personal drug.
"It's not the truth," whispered Bucky back.
"It is." She smiled broad. "You were always longing for this." Bucky squeezed her hand, too, and stroke her cheek soft.
"I've been longing for you since the first moment you smiled at me," he confessed and his voice sounded stuffy. Grace smiled caring at him and shook her head, placed her free hand upon his cheek.
"Not me," she said, "Being in the past. You've always longed to be in the past."
Bucky pressed his face against her hand, but didn't want to confess that. He didn't answer. He couldn't - didn't know how. She made him vulnerable, and he knew he could be that for her, he trusted his doll.
Grace patiently waited for Bucky, not knowing that he wasn't going to say a thing as he desperately was searching for a way out.
"Bucky," said Grace, "answer me." There she was again - the doctor. Commanding, but it sounded like a question asked in a sweet way.
He ignored her again and kissed the palm of her hand instead. "I can't," he whispered. Bucky closed his eyes for a beat.
"Yes you can," said Grace and she released her hand from his, placing it on his other cheek. She forced him to look at her. "You can tell me why."
Bucky pressed his lips onto each other and shook his head.
"Why not?" A sad look filled her eyes and Bucky instantly regretted it. Her face was so unhappy that Bucky felt his heart ache. "Don't you trust me?" Bucky placed his hands upon her cheeks, wiping away a lost tear. "I've been waiting so long, don't do this."
"I trust you with my life," he said soft and rested with his forehead against hers. "But I can't tell you. I can't even think about it."
"You're afraid," concluded Grace, discovered what he was suffering from. "You don't have to be afraid. It's just us here, no one can hear you." Bucky already shook his head before she finished her sentence.
Longing
"I just can't, doll. I'm sorry, but it's the kind of truth I don't want to admit. I can't say it out loud, it will be real and I don't want it to be real."
Grace looked at him for a moment, then nodded and let go of him, stepped back. Bucky's legs didn't want to walk, he reached out with his arms for her, to get her back again.
"Very well," said Grace, "than I have nothing to do here if you don't want my help."
She turned and walked away, ignoring Bucky's begging words to make her stay. Grace just grabbed the doorknob when Bucky broke.
"Fine!" he yelled. "I'll tell you why!" With fear in his chest he waited. Grace just stood there, didn't respond. Bucky's breathing fastened and he finally was able to walk again.
Within ten seconds he stood by her and looked at her. She was like a statue, but her breathing chest betrayed her.
"I'm waiting," she said and looked up at him. "Tell me why you're longing for the past."
Bucky's fists clenched and be mustered all his courage, found his voice again. "I'm like Steve," he began, "a man out of time. But it's worse than that."
He swallowed and Grace turned her body fully to his.
"I've been forced to live the life of my greatest enemies, and I regret it constantly. Because of this, I'm always longing for the past, wishing to go back to a time before the war and long before I ever became the Winter Soldier. So I can change it, maybe even die before it ever happens!"
So. He had said it. Bucky breathed out deeply and felt his throat burn of the words. His head was spinning, his heart was racing. But above all, he felt released. A heavy burden on his shoulder slipped away.
Grace smiled at him and Bucky smiled back, surprised.
"That wasn't so hard, right?" said Grace and she pressed a small kiss on his cheek. "Are you ready to go?"
Bucky frowned at her. "To go where?"
Grace opened the door, a bright light filled the opening. Bucky narrowed his eyes.
"I don't know," said Grace, "but there's one way to find out."
She stepped aside, a gesture that Bucky had to go. He didn't want to go. He wanted to stay with Grace, here, in this time. O, what he would've done if she was born in his time and this all didn't happen.
So many things, dancing, eating ice cream and that sort of stuff. But it could never be like this.
"Don't worry," said Grace when she saw Bucky's hesitation as he looked back at the hall, at the people that came back dancing on jazz.
He didn't want to go without her.
"I'm not fast like you, but I'll get there," promised Grace. She smiled at him once more, and Bucky stepped through the door.