Videotape

Chapter 8

The next day was a blur. Biology went by in a flash, as did P.E., to my surprise. When lunch came around, all I could do was stare at my tray, occasionally stealing glances at Jade, knowing all the while that I was going to confess my feelings to her later. My mind was spinning with thoughts. Thoughts like what if I chicken out? What if she doesn't like me back? What if I look stupid? What if she laughs at me? What if...the "what if"s were endless. I'm doomed. God, I am absolutely screwed.

When Jade asked me if I wanted to meet in the art room for study hall, I declined her offer, saying that I had work to get done. In all honesty, I simply couldn't bear to be alone with her thanks to my anxiety. On the way out of the cafeteria, Gabby and Caleb discreetly wished me good luck while Jade and Ethan looked on in confusion. I thanked them, praying that the twins didn't suspect anything. After all, I was going to need all the luck I could get.

I'd talked to Felix the night before once Gabby and Caleb went back to Gabby's house―they figured that it would be best if Caleb stayed away from his parents until his father cooled down―and he'd been thrilled. Felix had practically squealed once I told him my plan, and he'd given me advice and plenty of reassurance. After that, we talked about his engagement, which our parents now knew about. It had been nice to talk to him one last time before I talked to Jade. "You're a champ," he'd said in that smiling tone of his, "and I know everything's going to work out just fine."

I could only hope that nothing would go wrong.

Later that day, my hope was crumbling. I sat with Jade in her room, singing softly and plucking out the bass line to "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead while she played her Strat, harmonizing with me without flaw. She had the most blissful look on her face as she strummed out chord after chord, her dark hair falling over her eyes.

She was everything. I was nothing.

Finally, Jade strummed out the last chord of the song after the long instrumental outro, then smiled up at me. "I think that was our best one yet," she said. "Don't you think so?" I nodded absently. "Yeah, it was good," I murmured.

Jade threw me a sideways glance. "Are you okay? You've seemed...off all day."

You know what? Screw it, I thought. I set down my bass, then stood up, looking down at her. "I've had something on my mind," I confessed. "I didn't want to tell you, but now..." I trailed off.

Jade raised her eyebrows, then nodded slowly. "Okay," she said. "Let's hear it."

I opened my mouth to respond, then closed it. Shoot. I hadn't planned on what I was going to say. My heart pounded in my chest, threatening to burst out of my ribcage. "I...I know I've only known you for about a week now," I stammered.

"And?"

Oh God. I fidgeted with my hands, stalling for time. What am I doing?

Say it, Ase.

"I..."

Say it now, or you never will!

I let out a shaky breath, turning away from Jade. "I'm sorry," I said. "I can't do this. I thought I could do this, but I can't."

"Wha...what? What do you mean?" Jade stood up and came to my side. She set her hand on my shoulder. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No! No, it wasn't anything you did, it's just―" I was interrupted by my phone vibrating in my pocket. I sighed, taking it out, then felt my blood run cold as I checked my notifications.

It was a message from my father. You need to come home now. It's serious. I'll explain when you get here.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I have to leave," I muttered, zipping up my jacket as I headed for the door, not bothering to grab my bass. "I'm sorry."

"Ase, wait, I―"

"I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay? I promise. I have to go. My parents need me," I explained, and just like that, I was out the door. I headed for the front of the house, where I emerged into the cold autumn air and shut the front door behind me. I felt a wave of panic wash over me, and in that moment, I knew that something was horribly wrong.

As soon as I got out into the street, I broke into a run and didn't stop the whole way back to my house. Though my lungs screamed for air, my legs ached in a way that they never had before, and my ears were practically on fire from the icy sting of the mid-autumn air, my panic spurred me on.

My driveway came into view at last, and I felt my heart jolt as I made a beeline for the front door. I stumbled to a halt in front of the porch, gasping for air as I clambered up the steps. I took my house key out of my pocket, struggling to turn it through the lock due to my shaking hand. Finally, I burst through the door, bracing myself for what could possibly be waiting for me inside.

"Dad! Dad, I'm here!" I wasn't sure my voice had ever sounded so panicked.

No response. I rushed down the hallway and into the kitchen, where I found my mother hunched in a chair at the dining table, her face buried in her hands. She was sobbing hysterically. Behind her, my father stood with a hand on her shoulder, his head hung low.

"What's going on?!" I burst out, my vision going blurry with tears.

After a long, near-suffocating moment of silence, my father lifted his head and held my gaze with his own. He drew in a long, shaky breath and whispered, "Felix is dead."

More silence.

I stared blankly at my parents, slack-jawed, a million thoughts spinning through my head. No. No, this wasn't real. It couldn't be real. Felix couldn't be dead. This couldn't possibly be anything other than a twisted nightmare that I would wake up from any moment now.

But that was bull, and I knew it.

My mother lifted her head. Her breathing was coming in short, desperate gasps. "H-he...he was planning to...to come visit you." A sob shook her shoulders, stopping her mid-sentence. "It was supposed to be a...a surprise, but he crashed his car on the way, and we got a call from Carmen, and..." she couldn't finish. She buried her face in her hands, overcome with hysterical weeping once again.

Felix was dead. My brother. My mentor. My muse. My best friend. My guiding light. The one person in the world that I knew I could trust with anything.

Dead.

My vision had blurred over completely at this point, and I turned around, mumbling something incoherent to my parents as I trudged blindly back down the hallway and out the front door. My chest was tight, my legs weak, my mind ablaze. I stumbled out into the front yard, my legs giving beneath me as I fell to my knees and proceeded to puke my guts out onto the lawn. My shoulders heaved, and I could only sit there on the grass, throwing up over and over again until there couldn't possibly be anything left in me. Once it was finally over, I sat in silence for a long, agonizing moment, remaining perfectly still.

And then I screamed. I screamed at the sky, at the moon, at the stars. I watched it all shatter before my eyes and leave nothing but darkness in its place, and in that moment, the same thing occurred somewhere deep within me. My throat burned as I cursed at the world, shrieking like a wounded animal, crying Felix's name like a broken prayer into the dark of the night until my vocal cords finally gave up.

It's over, I thought. It's over, it's over, it's over. The words repeated themselves again and again in my head, possessing me, echoing off the walls of my soul until they finally lost themselves in all the darkness.

I had lost everything that mattered. I lost Felix.

And that night, I lost myself too.