Videotape

Chapter 10

If there's anything I know for sure, it's that being in the hospital on suicide watch sucks. For two weeks, I laid in a bed of lumps, eating food that tasted like nothing at all, talking to psychiatrist after psychiatrist after psychiatrist until my parents and I finally settled on a plan for when I got out. For two weeks, I laid in that bed, slowly regaining the ability to feel.

On my twelfth day in the hospital, my father brought in my phone for me. "I charged it for you," he'd said, sounding just as broken as he had for weeks as he handed it to me. "I figured you might want to talk to your friends. They've been trying to reach you. I'm sure they're worried sick."

I'd thanked him, and then he'd left me alone in the room. I turned on my phone, only to become overwhelmed by the sheer amount of notifications that popped up. Eight missed calls from Caleb, seven from Gabby, two from Ethan...

Seventeen from Jade. I took a deep breath, then dialed her number and held the phone up to my ear.

Jade's answer was instantaneous. "Ase, is this you?!" she asked, her tone frantic.

"Y-yeah," I croaked out.

"Oh my God!" Jade was sobbing now, her breaths coming in gasps. "Oh my God, I thought I lost you. I thought you were gone. God, I..." she trailed off, unable to continue due to her hysterical weeping.

"I'm here, Jade," I reassured. "I'm here, and I'm okay. I'm so sorry. I'm doing better. I'm almost ready to come home."

"Ase, I...I need to tell you something," Jade sniffled. "I...I like you. I know I haven't known you for very long or anything, but I like you. I like you as more than a friend. You made me happy from the very first day I met you, and you've made me happy ever since. You know when I told you I recovered from my depression? I lied. I freaking lied. I didn't want to seem weak to you, Ase, but it doesn't matter now, and it didn't matter then. Medication never helped me, and neither did therapy, but you gave me hope for a better life. Playing music with you was the only time I ever felt alive, and you made me happier than I'd been in years. Years, Ase! And I thought I lost you..." she trailed off into sobs once more.

I could only sit in silence, Jade's words floating around in my head. "Jade, I..." I began. "...do you remember the day Felix died, when I was going to tell you something?"

"Y-yeah?"

I took a deep breath. "I feel the same way about you."

There was a long silence.

"Ase?"

"Yeah?"

A long pause. "I really hope you're doing better."

I sighed. "I will be. I promise you, I will be."

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I panicked, quickly sitting up in bed. "I think there's a psychiatrist at my door. I'll call you later, but―"

"Don't call me," Jade interrupted. "I want the next time I talk to you to be in person."

I blinked in surprise, then nodded, though I knew she couldn't see me. "Of course," I said.

I hung up the phone just in time to greet the umpteenth faceless psychiatrist to enter my room that day. And in that moment, for the first time in weeks, I couldn't help but smile.