With Every Single Beat of My Heart

Four

{Note from author: it's my birthday! Please gift me with any comments you'd like to share!}

I was born to love you
With every single beat of my heart
Yes, I was born to take care of you, honey
Every single day of my life

Except he wasn't. Joe wasn't happy and despite everything Ben was doing for him, it wasn't enough. The blond tried to break through to him, tried to be there for him but the lingering darkness that hung above them wasn't going anywhere. The more the days went on, the harder it got for Joe to live his life.

    His heart wasn't healing. Not in the least. It was getting worse and worse and even with the pacemaker, things still weren't looking good. They had decent days. Days when it seemed like everything was going to be okay.

    Joe didn't have any pain and didn't feel a thing. They would walk down the street and hold hands and kiss without care. They were normal and life was okay.

    And then there were days that were scary. When Joe would be sitting on the floor of his bedroom, using his air tank as he tried to keep himself from breaking down. Ben was by his side, reminding him to count.

    His dad had taught him to count slowly or sing the alphabet to calm his heart. They would do it together when Joe was just a kid. His dad was gone down, having died of his very own illness. It was one of the things that Joe held close, knowing that even if he did die, he'd at least be with his father again.

    Ben didn't want to hear about it. In fact, he downright refused to talk about it. People like Joe didn't just up and die. They had too much to offer the world.

    Whether Joe wanted to admit it or not, he was talented. His writing was phenomenal and while he didn't use his camera often, Ben had seen some of the things he had taken. He spoke scarcely about his dream of being a director, of bringing his thoughts into reality on paper and film.

    Ben had promised him once that he would take him to California but Joe never took it seriously. He couldn't fly and taking a twelve to fourteen-hour car ride wasn't worth it. Joe was content with existing in their own little space, but Ben wanted more for him.

    He pushed Joe to write more and while the young man agreed, it caused more trouble than ever. Joe didn't see the point in creating anything when it was all going to die with him when the time came.

    Ben had eventually snapped, refusing to accept that fate. Joe snapped right back at him. It was their first fight since they began seeing one another and it was worse than anything they had ever done.

    Joe was crying and screaming, trying to get Ben to understand that this wasn't something that would fix itself. He wasn't getting a new heart. He wasn't going to suddenly be on top of the list for transplants. Any minute his heart would stop and that would be it.

    Ben had tried to argue with him, saying that he had the money to change that, but Joe refused. He wasn't going to allow Ben to just pay their way to cut the line. They fought endlessly over it. Ben had no problem showing off his privilege if it meant helping Joe get better.

    They had been at this for weeks. Growing closer to one another but that man, his love, continued to build a wall around them. Around himself. It didn't matter though. Ben was at the ready, sledgehammer in hand and ready to take down the whole fucking wall, one brick at a time.

    Ben tried to find a middle ground for them both. Something that would allow Ben to use his connections and his cash and also help Joe without the other man feels like he was taking something away from somebody else.