With Every Single Beat of My Heart

Total Eclipse of the Heart

{consider this an alternate ending. Sorry for breaking your hearts fam}

Once upon a time, I was falling in love

But now I'm only falling apart

here's nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time, there was light in my life

But now there's only love in the dark

Nothing I can say

A total eclipse of the heart

Ben was counting the days, the hours, the minutes, because he knew it was coming. Any moment now, the end would be here. Joe would take his final breath and the beautiful man that he loved so intensely would cease to exist any longer.

It was a cruel twist of fate, meeting him. Ben never expected to fall in love, but whoever does?

Ben knew he should have been thankful for the time he shared with Joe, but to be completely honest, he found that to be rather bullshit. He was happy to have Joe in his life, there was no question about that, but to suggest he be thankful for the time? Bullocks.

No. He wasn't going to be thankful that he got a small amount of time with this man. He was going to be selfish and demand more time because that is what they deserved. Ben may not have been a bloody saint, but no amount of troublemaking should have caused this much heartache.

He didn't know if there was a God but found that he hoped there wasn't because that bastard would have a lot of fucking explaining to do.

Ben would take turns with Joe's mother, sitting beside him and waiting for the world to end. Both had tried their best to be hopeful, but they knew Joe so well. He would eventually stop fighting because thats what he really wanted. He wanted the pain to stop, wanted the hurting to end. Not just on himself, but on everybody else as well.

They had talked about it countless times. How Joe couldn't handle the pressure of someone taking care of him, of them worrying about his own troubles. It was his burden to bear, not somebody else's. Watching them get their hopes up time and time ago was just added on torture and Joe wholeheartedly believed (no pun intended) that they would be better off if he just died already.

Ben didn't believe in violence, though he nearly slapped the man upside the head for even mentioning such a horrible thing. It wasn't selfish to need some help and while Ben understood the point that Joe was trying to make, it didn't help the situation.

Neither Joe's mother or himself were willing to walk away and Joe knew that. And while he had put up enough of a fight, both also knew eventually he was going to bow down and end it all.

Joe's mother was stronger than him for many reasons. She raised her son on her own after the death of her husband, and despite watching the two people she loved most waste away in front of her, she always came in with a bright smile and cheerful outlook. She was a wonderful woman and Ben was thankful to have her in his life, as not only a mother-in-law but as a friend as well.

On this particular day, Ben gave them their privacy. He went off to sit on the roof; to smoke his cigarette and think about life. It pained him to be there and he would be lying if he said he didn't think of jumping. He wondered if he fell, would he die? And would his organs be of any use afterward? It would be something he'd have to google later on.