With Every Single Beat of My Heart

SIx

Yes I was born to love you
Born - to love you
Born - to love you
Every single day - day of my life

But not all happiness could last.

It didn't matter how much money you had sometimes. While it was big and filled with so much joy and love, Joe's heart was failing more often than not. Ben did everything he could to get them on the right track, but it never mattered.

They barely got to spend time in their home before Joe was brought back to the hospital. Ben stayed with him every chance he had, calling out of work to stay with him. They would read and sit together, watching tv. Ben brought Joe's bass in and he'd play for him. He only knew a few chords, but it didn't matter. He'd sit and sing to him, even though he couldn't sing either. Joe didn't mind though. The effort was enough.

Ben knew Joe hated this. Hated him seeing him as this and Ben hated it too but it didn't matter. They were in this together.

He stepped out after a moment, wanting to take a breath or smoke a cigarette. He hadn't smoked in a long time. He quit just days after finding out what was going on with Joe. He didn't want that influence around him. Didn't want to smell like smoke and make him feel worse.

He needed it now. Needed to let go a little bit. Gwilym joined him on the roof and they sat together talking. They had an odd friendship with the two. Strange respect that grew thanks to the care they shared for Joe.

Gwilym didn't smoke, but he shared the cigarette, needing to feel something other than his own anguish.

Gwilym hated moments like these. When you knew there was nothing in your power that could fix a patient. Gwilym told him he would try, that he would fight but in the end, they as mortal men could only do so much.

They had returned to their home a few days later but it didn't get better. Joe was putting up fights, wasn't eating. He didn't want to be at the hospital but he didn't want to be home either. He didn't want to look at the scripts he had put together, at the pictures he had taken. He didn't want reminders of things that would never be. To see a future that would never happen.

Eventually, it got to the point where he didn't argue with Ben. They didn't scream at one another because he knew this was bound to happen. He knew it from the very fucking start. He would eat when Ben asked him to eat and sleep when Ben asked him to sleep. He would skirt around, just living day to day because he knew what was happening.

They would sit together and Ben would just hold him. Whether he was holding his whole body or just his hand, he never let his husband go.

Some nights they would just sit together, talking and breathing slowly. It helped for the most part, but it was never enough. Ben tried to keep things normal, tried to remind Joe that it would be all right.

Joe had to quit his job at the book store and while it bothered him, he never spoke of it. Ben tried to get his mind off it. He'd have Frankie run around and do tricks, he'd persuade Joe to write more, but it wasn't enough.

Ben didn't think anything would be enough.

Joe broke down one night. It was their anniversary; they had only been married for three months, but it was still worth celebrating. Ben cooked for them and they sat around the loft, eating and relaxing.

The blond had been speaking about something. He didn't even remember what it was, but he turned around to see Joe shaking on the bed, his face hidden in his hands. It was sudden and caught Ben off guard.

He was crying, damn near weeping, but he insisted it was from happiness. Tears of joy because he had gotten to have a little bit of excitement in his life. And he was angry that he had to let it all go but he was glad to have had the chance nonetheless.