After 30 Days

Twenty-Six - Day 55

Alex was talking with Sam again.

Despite the rest of us feeling less than friendly toward Marcus, and so by extension, his apparent best buddy Sam, the nurse couldn't seem to get enough of talking with the man. He asked endless questions about DC. What were the strongholds like, did the militia seem to be winning against the zombies, and worst of all, how was the CDC handling trying to figure out a cure?

Normally, I wouldn't have lumped someone trying to solve this thing into a negative category, but I just knew what was going to end up happening.

Shawn hadn't said a word to me about what Sam had said, yet. But he had been quieter than usual the last couple of days. I caught him staring off into space, lost inside his own thoughts, frequently. And I knew him, maybe better than I'd ever known anyone. One of the things I loved most about Shawn was the fact that he was always looking for a way to help others. But, right now, I hated that fact as much as I loved it.

He was going to try to go to DC. I knew it. He probably knew it too, just hadn't revealed his plans to me yet, probably because he knew I was going to freak out.

I'd said it before. Shawn was a big boy and he had the right to make his own decisions. But this was one thing that I was going to fight him on until the bitter end.

DC was a long way away. Getting there would be dangerous, and what was worse, I worried that once he found the CDC and revealed that he had survived a bite, he would be in even more danger. I couldn't stop envisioning a mad scientists lab where all human decency and rights would be stripped from the test subjects.

The good of the many did not outweigh the good of the few. Not when he was the person who would draw the short stick in the equation.

I glared at the back of Alex's head, wishing I could burn a hole right through it. The nurse was firmly back on my bad side.

About half of the community was working together to make the fences stronger. A small group of decomposing zombies had wandered into the area the day before, and ended up pressing up against the chain link. The fence had already started to sag in a few places, it had been constructed hastily at the start of the outbreak, and the relentless pressure from the zombies had only made it's condition worse. After taking a team to kill the zombies, Ned had looked over the fence, and declared that fixing it had to be made a top priority.

So there we were, doing our best to make the fence strong enough to withstand the force of zombies. And there I was, staring imaginary holes into the backs of certain peoples heads. I was so caught up in what I was doing that I didn't notice that Shawn had come out and joined the work group at first.

It wasn't until Alex looked his way that I saw him. I frowned a little. I'd thought that he was with Charlie, helping her with a deer that she had killed early that morning. The frown was reflexive, but it stayed on my face when Alex said something to Sam, and then began walking toward Shawn. Hastily asking the guy next to me to take over with my task, I practically jogged to beat Alex there.

"Hey," Shawn pulled me closer for a quick kiss when I appeared at his side. "How's things going out here?"

"Good," I answered. "You and Charlie all finished with that deer?"

"Yeah. Actually, I didn't end up helping all that much. A few others came out to help that knew what to do. I mostly just stayed out of the way and watched. It's probably a good idea to learn about hunting, you know?"

I did know. In fact, this conversation reminded me that I really needed to have Charlie show me the basics of handling a gun. We'd been so busy just staying alive ever since Mack burned down our last home, that time had slipped away from me.

Speaking of time, I was out of it, as Alex appeared on Shawn's other side.

"Hey guys," he started. He darted a glance my way before studiously ignoring my presence. "Could I talk to you about something? It's important."

This was it. I knew it on a deep, instinctual level. Things were about to change, and they would never be the same again. Shawn knew it too. I could tell from the instantly tense set of his shoulders, from the way he refused to look my way.

An ache in my jaw alerted me that I was grinding my teeth, hard.

"Yeah, Alex. What's up?"

"Well," he hesitated and couldn't seem to help himself. Alex glanced my way again before snapping his eyes back to Shawn. "Well, I've been talking with the new guy. You know, Sam? And, uh, I think we need to talk about DC and what the scientists are trying to do there."

Shawn scrubbed his face with both hands and sighed, a weary sound. "Yeah. I know. I've been thinking a lot about this, Alex."

I had to forcibly unclench my jaw before I broke some teeth.

Alex looked relieved. "I know this is a lot to ask, but you survived a bite. That has to mean something. There has to be something that the right people could do, with the right resources, to stop this madness," he waved his arms in the air.

"I've already made up my mind. You don't have to convince me," he was talking to the nurse, but finally looking at me. Those grey eyes looked troubled as he said, "I'm going to DC. I don't think there's really any other choice."

* * *

Hi guys! I haven't been leaving an authors note on the most recently updated chapters, well, because I was still struggling with just exactly what to say. I tend to never ask for help. And I tend to feel like showing anyone that I am not perfect, will make them run away screaming. Logically, I know that is not a healthy way to cope, so here goes nothing.

Thank you, so very very much, for coming back to this story after it's long hiatus, and for embracing both it and me like we were never gone. I understand completely how frustrating it is to be into a story, and then have the writer go awol. But you guys, true to form, have hung in there and been nothing but encouraging. I love you all for that.

But I do feel like some sort of explanation is owed. It has, after all been 5 months without an update for this story. And I hated to let you all down.

Without going into crazy details, I will tell you that I have struggled with Depression since I was young. the last year and a half have been a dark time for me. Anxiety and depression don't care if you have your very own, life sized, Shawn and Luna waiting at home for you. They don't care that, sure some aspects of your life are hard, but you do have it better now than you ever had it before. All they want is to keep you locked inside your own mind, a prisoner to bad things from the past, and barely able to function like a human most days.

Guys, I hope and pray that none of you are burdened with this curse, but I know that some of you probably are. Please know that you are not alone, no matter how alone you feel. Know that you are special. And worth it. And the tunnel is very long, and very dark, but there is light at the end. Never give up.

I'm having more good days than bad at this point, and it's honestly a relief. Some days, I still struggle just to take care of the absolute necessities, and there is nothing left for trying to do more.

My Shawn likes to tell me that "you can't pour from an empty cup."

Take care of each other. We never know what the person next to us is going through. Even if their smile is the brightest, they may be living in hell.

Take care of yourself. You are not the sum of your parts. You are so much more.

Love you guys ❤️💙