poetry from a depressed person

chapter three: heartache

i am an exact mirror of you; your past actions mimicking my present ones. laying here, listening to the music that helped you. listening to these tunes and melodies throughout the span of this slowly progressed day. contemplating everything that’s happened between you and i. 

i am an exact mirror of not only you, but your past. you are the exact image of the woman you claim to have broken your mind to me. you have not lead me on, for you have experienced me physically, felt my body as if i was clay you were moulding into a perfect specimen of art. but you have lead me onto the thought and hope of something that was soon going to be broken into a thousand bits. 

you’ve lead me on and have sullied me with your unconscious intent to keep me under your wing to fill your void which you claim has never been filled. you claim you love me, you care for me and want me in your life. yet why am i always getting so scarred by you? i allow such actions to be done after being scarred by [NO NAME], despite telling myself i’d never go through the pain anymore after him. 

i do not compare you with him, for i am merely stating that i deceived that mental contract i made with myself after i ended it with him. yet here i am now, constantly being wringed out like a wet cloth;  all of the moisture that is my emotions and state of mind being twisted out of me to leave nothing but a dry shell of a human being who feels used. 

i am constantly filled with sentences that i now believe are lies, i am filled with false hope. i am filled with acceptance that we will never be fully committed to one another. i have given up on the hopes of you coming to me in the future, truly regretting the damaged you’ve done to me and telling me you want me back. 

i have given up on the hopes of you taking me out and showing me off like a prized possession, i have given up on everything. i am thankful however. that you were a large impact in my short span here on earth. you allowed me to be open with myself, not only mentally but physically. you allowed me to be free from negative forces and energies that panned around me. you allowed me to know what it’s like to experience many things that were of foreign nature to me in the past. you allowed me to understand chakras and even opened my third eye. 

but, what i will not accept, is how you threw me under the bus. when great deals of stress were placed on you in terms of our connection, you’d throw all those so-called sentiments under the bus. each and every time you’ve done that, i was left broken and betrayed. i was left misguided and confused. i was left alone, knowing i couldn’t trust you with my emotions and heart. 

today, though, i am glad you’ve told me that you do not have full trust in me. You allowed me to open my eyes so wide I was able to tell you exactly how you made me feel without having a shred of regret in that very moment. i should not feel sorry for how i feel, and no, you didn’t make me feel that way whatsoever. i’m just stating that quote, as it just passed through my mind while i write this. 

here i am, laying down, not feeling a single care anymore. i am here laying down, not feeling sad or depressed. i feel rather content, content in knowing i have opened my eyes.

thank you for that.