poetry from a depressed person

chapter six: mother

people ask me how my mental health struggles affect my bond with my mother.

to answer that question, i must first ask you if you know what it's like to see someone repeat the same cycle over and over, that you put yourself in neglect of seeing that cycle ever break?

if your answer is no. that is how my relationship with my mother is. she is stuck in the cycle of seeing me do well and prospering at goals now long gone, that she is in constant neglect of seeing me in the opposite state.

whenever the topic of my mental disorders do come to play, she speaks as if she knows me so well. the thing is, she does. she does know me very well. she just doesn't realize she knows my past and not my present.

whenever we touch the topic of my eating disorder and panic disorder, she always replies, "i always see you eat, so i don't know how they're saying you have an eating disorder!"

oh mother, i can admit that's my fault. it's my fault for putting you in that neglect because i make you see what i want you to see.

topics about my depression make her comment about how i will never know what depression is really like, mainly because in her eyes i'm still a careless child who's going through a phase.

oh mother, you're so trapped in a cycle of seeing me how you've always seen me; happy, healthy, eating properly, and having an abundance of friends. you don't realize that the reason i don't come to you for assurance is because this cycle you've trapped yourself in has put you in such a neglectful environment that your comments are what prevent me from doing so.

you are used to seeing me make silly comments, used to seeing me with friends. but what you don't realize is that i'm no longer the person you've known before.

once again, it's my fault that you have not yet realized this.

because i make you see what i want you to see