α ѕιℓєиϲє || ʙᴏᴏᴋ 1 ||

||Chapter 9||

It's at times like these I truly wonder whether or not Im truly a presence in Ciels life that makes him happy. He's so monotone. I can only imagine he sees life without colors, only grey hues. He's been walking beside me in utter silence for about 20 minutes down, of course I've been talking his ear off but it's not like I haven't allowed him to get a word in edge wise. I try to throw in questions here and there, even go so for as to play stupid so he can teach me about mundane things, just to get him to talk. But I can only get a nod out of him, I'm lucky if I get a "huh".

        Am I really just annoying? Do I just annoy him? Do I bring him down when really I'm trying to boost his spirits? No matter what I do I can never seem to put a dent in this concrete wall that he's put between himself and the rest of the world. If only emotions were physical, then I'd have no problem trying to break it down with my bare fist just to get a glimpse of the boy I used to know. I realize that I haven't talked in a few solid moments, the air between us nothing but silence aside from the background voices of the strangers strolling around us. I swallow my thoughts, drowning in anxiety and hopelessness, and muster up that smile I save souly for Ciel. "I really enjoyed our dance last night, didn't you?" I look over at him. He doesn't so much at glance back at him, his now one blue eyes staring off into the distance. It's easy to tell his mind is else where, his gaze is detached from reality. "Ciel?" I ask again, this time a little more urging with me candy sweet tone. This time he notices, and briefly eyes me without turning his head. "Oh- right, yes I found it to be quiet nice as well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself." His response isn't as enthusiastic, but I'm just glad to get some actual word out of him, I was actually starting to rather dislike the little hums despite admiring his every aspect.

I let my smile beam a little brighter, as if to attempt to become the sun that was absent from this cloudy day. "It made me think, we hardly spend enough time together. To able to enjoy your company without the presence of others was oh so much fun! As much as I love attending parties with you, we should arrange some visits for just the two of us!" This catches Ciels attention more than anything else this day seems to. He looks around, as if to try and find something, an excuse I'm assuming. My bright smile falters. "My schedule is just far to busy to do anything sooner than later. Perhaps we can find a time in a few months that can work for the two of us." He says it just as blankly as he's said everything else to me on this trip, aside the millisecond he was flustered last night. My eyes practically bulge out of my head. A few months? There's no way I can wait that long to see him again, it's already been a few months sense I've seen him, not to mention I barely squeezed this trip out of him.

"Ciel, there must be a time sooner than months! Oh please!" I find myself getting desperate. I feel like the only way to prove my point other than yelling at him is to whine like a child would. I can't yell at him, I never could, I can't be angry at him. I'm the only person in his life he can depend on to control their temper, so I must resort to this behavior. "Elizabeth, my schedule is booked solid. I have far more important matters to attend to, I cannot push them for a silly little play date, so will you please let this matter go." Far more important. Silly. He doesn't even look sorry for what he just said, even though the words feel like they're stabbing me in the chest and ripping my heart out. He just crushed every last bit of my spirit and he isn't so much as looking my way. Just straight ahead, that one blue eye detached as always. I'm silent, simply staring over at him with my eyes wide, no longer or shock and disappointment... but of pain. And the fact that I don't recognize this boy. Last night, dancing with him in that room was one of the only times I feel like I've ever seen him come out of his shell a little bit and be himself again, the person I love unconditionally. Again, I swallow down pain, muster my my smile and say,

"Alright."