Grey - joshler

Chapter five

Breathing rapid, face heating up, tears barely being held back, eyes trained on a far away spot, trying to calm down, and all I could do was sit and watch.

Once again, like always I'd ruined any chances at a friendship, I seem to be good at that. Somehow, I'd managed to cause more distress than prevent it, he probably hated me more than he already did (I just assume that everyone hates me at this point, and it wouldn't be far from the truth unfortunately, I mean, whats not to hate haha :) ) Without thinking my hand reached out and I placed mine over his shaking one as it gripped his hoodie tightly, knuckles turning white. My eyebrows scrunched together and my eyes were squeezed together as I felt my cold hand collide with his warm one again, the contact hopefully not uninvited as I pretty much expected him to slap it away and disappear down the slide, never to be seen again.

But nothing of the sort happened.

Instead, I felt his hand take mine, fingers intertwining with mine and interlocking. I won't say that they fit perfectly, because nothing is ever perfect in this life, we were more like mismatched puzzle pieces, but I didn't mind at all, as I leant forward and whispered out something I never thought I'd be able to say since my mind is a constant jumble. "It's going to be okay. I can't promise anything and I won't, but I want to be here for you, I want to help you get better, you deserve the world, Joshua Dun and I want, ... actually no, I need, to see you full of colour and life again, full of hope, smiles. I want to help you, just please let me into your life."

I didn't think I'd actually said any of that out loud until I felt the air being knocked out of me and a force coming at me. It came as a surprise, contrast to the punches thrown at me daily, I was actually being hugged?! Arms wrapped around me and a head leaned against my neck in one of the most awkward, but nevertheless needed hugs in my life.

What I heard next made me realise I needed to help this boy in my arms and that there was so much hope for him, and now maybe even for me. "thanks, I needed that." I heard him mumble from the crook of my neck as I inhaled his scent, letting it fill my soul. He smelt oddly familiar, like home or a place where I felt at peace and the waters could still for a moment.

I really didn't want to pull away, and so I didn't and I could never be so sure about this decision. Back was aching from the strain and uncomfortable position, and the cold was like daggers through my skin, but it was right, it felt right.

Sure, I was still skeptical, anyone would be after going for so long without a friend or someone to love and trust, but maybe, just maybe I had found someone who could make a difference and help pull me out of the hole I had dug for myself. Another lost soul raving about the face of this Earth. I wanted to stay up late with him, tell him secrets I probably shouldn't share, and be there for him, especially in times like these when it feels as the whole world has turned a blind eye and nobody could give a single fuck about you.

I wanted to be there for him.

So, staring up at the night sky, full of stars that now seemed to be full of hope for the future, I felt the remains of a small smile linger on my face, knowing this time I could have a chance, and tonight could be the start of a better life. As my eyelids became more droopy, and my eyes began to close, I welcomed sleep like an old friend, contrary to the many sleepless nights I had become used to. And, despite the strange circumstances and the fact Josh was already asleep in my arms, I had a better nights sleep than I could when I am alone in my room.