IN JUPITER IT RAINS

t e n

My mother - Narcissus

she can't stand to see this pink silk slide off my shoulders, doesn't like how it makes my pale roundness appear untouched. she wants
me marred; she likes me unrecognizable.
she hates how i let it fall down till it pools along my waist. it makes my curves dip into crevices and harsh lines appear between my breasts. i am too   
s o f t
she wants me hard lines and taut. she wants to see this silk clinging to tight muscles and sinew, wants to taste the zero calorie nightmares i battle with in the mirror.
she calls me    curved.    slides two fingers along my face and labels my cheekbones
barely risen mountains of chub
a baby with no need for desire or need.
she keeps handing me shorter hems and paints; she says if i want to be beautiful i will need to learn how to be  f e a s t e d   on
but i want to learn how to love this roundness that causes silk to fall and pool like petals around my center.  to sample desire and relinquish this need and want without
b r e a k i n g   the lines of softness that make me hold myself.
mother, can i not be loved in this pale light?
but her ears are void of noise and she is smiling with the eyes of the woman who drowned me in water and resuscitated me in the same breath - covering me in the pink silk of newborn death  /  unborn life -
    she wants me to stay drowning
    in the insecurities she never let
    herself submerge within
i don't have to drown, i tell her deafness,
i don't have to be you just because you made me / saved me / killed me / resurrected me
                mamá, de estoy rogando,
                por favor
                deja de ahogar me
                             but i hold survivor's guilt
                                     in the anchor attached
                to my throat
so when she makes a face, i put away my pink silk, i let it      s
                   l
                        i
                             p
down. let her paint me into who she wants to
return to. her youth. i hate this mirror. i see the  daughter who ingested her mother's girlhood of sins.      i am echoing her desires.

zzteeny1214 for being one of my first friends on here and still being as beautiful and talented as ever