Keşke

Expectations

Sanem made her way to the back patio and sat on the low wall, staring at the pool for a bit.  While Can had been inside with Polen, she'd experienced an array of emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other.  She'd actually almost started walking back up the street to find a taxi, nearly succumbing to her irrational thoughts in her solitude.  Sometimes her inner voice could be quite beastly.  It had said things like, He's in there reconciling with her, you fool! and, They're cut from the same cloth- you and he come from different worlds- it'll never work! and, Didn't you see her? You think you stand a chance against that?! 

Miraculously, she'd held that pesky inner voice at bay, managing to counter each and every doubt.  1. He wouldn't have asked me to stay if he planned to reconcile with her.  2. Differences are not always a bad thing, and challenges that may arise are just opportunities to become stronger together, and, 3. Yes. yes I did; and, Yes, I absolutely do!

She now pondered on that last point as it took her by surprise.  Why is she so sure of this?  The most immediate thought would be the other night, when he revealed he was her albatross, and confessed he'd wanted to pursue something with her, Sanem Aydin... not just the one with whom he'd shared the mystery kiss.  These were logical, factual points, supporting her deduction that she does indeed stand a chance with him.  But, she didn't feel like that was all there was to it.  There was something more... something she honestly couldn't really pinpoint... never having experienced anything like it before.  It went beyond logic, beyond facts.  It was more organic... from within.  God, am I in love?!

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Can & Polen's ride was silent for several minutes.  At first, it was mainly just from the weariness they both felt after the emotionally charged talk they'd had.  Polen finally gave in, "So..." asking about something he had chosen not to specifically answer before... about his 'confusion' he'd mentioned in the initial phone conversation.  "You're not confused anymore I take it?"  He sighed, conveying his depleted energy.  She apologized, "I'm sorry Can... I really don't mean to beat it into the ground... I just...  when we spoke on the phone, you'd talked about being confused and I truly thought I could help guide you through your confusion... albeit in hopes of leading you back to me... but, I am genuinely concerned for you if you're struggling with something...  If you need to talk about any of it- I'd like to be there for you."  He softened, and squeezed her hand for a moment.  "I do appreciate your concern Polen, really.  I think my confusion was just that internal questioning I'd started to do, trying to figure out on a larger scale, what I wanted.  From you, from my career, from my family..."  She tilted her head in expectation.  He acknowledged.  "And yes, from this other possible... path I was faced with."  She smirked a little at his choice of words as he continued.  "I have thought, and pondered, and had second, even third thoughts about everything...  and while I may not have all the answers, I have chosen my path."

Though she didn't want to accept it quite yet, she had to admit he had been clear.  She went to speak, then hesitated as he pulled to the front of a hotel, looking down to her hands in her lap.  He had seen her vacillation and he, himself debated about prompting her to go on, or leave it alone, not wanting to drag things out, or give false hope.  He turned off the engine and Polen looked back to him.  "Are you done with me then?"  That actually stung, and it was evident on his face.  "Polen..."  She'd had a sliver of need for his discomfort- call it a juvenile desire to wound the one who wounds you- human nature is not always kind after all.  But as soon as she saw the twinge of hurt twist his beautiful face, she'd regretted it, interjecting, "I'm sorry Can- I...  I just mean...  Do you think the friendship can continue, or-"  she trailed off, not really sure she was ready to be 'just friends' at this point.  Will I ever?  Can could see her struggle.  "We have significant history Polen.  That will never change, and I'll always think of you as a special part of my life...  I am open to a friendship with you but... I'm not sure you want that.  Or maybe just not yet?"