URGENT (Book 2 of the Soundcrush Series)

Chapter 38: Bad Girls Have A Cut List

Mac

I think I may have fucked up.

I didn't realize I was fucking up, until I saw Adam's face in the mirror. The look in his eyes when he saw me topless with Sawyer's hands squishing my boobs—there was devastation, disappointment,and then it hardened into rage. All at once, I hated that I caused those feelings in him.

I know he and I feel very differently about my nudity. To me, it just is. So many people have seen me naked or nearly naked in the last five years—stylists, photographers, trainers, choreographers, fans, fanboys—if I let myself feel something about that I would feel exposed all the time.

I would feel exactly like I felt with Adam's devastated, disappointed, raging eyes on me and Sawyer.

So I can't feel anything about that. Adam needs to understand that. I have a job to do. And he's lying to himself if he thinks part of my job is not to use my sex appeal to Soundcrush's advantage.

Adam should understand this better than anybody. Adam didn't love me or even know me, the first time he fucked me. He desired me. So much that it overwhelmed his morals and his reason. I desired him too—I'm not saying I didn't. Adam is fucking sexy—maybe the sexiest guy I ever met because somehow, despite all the girls that want him, all the photos and video and images of himself he's confronted with on a daily basis...he still doesn't know how sexy he really is.

But I know... he's goddamn sexy.

And so am I. For the moment, at least.

That's part of what we both are.

Objects of desire.

In this industry, you have to seize every advantage you have and fight to stay on top. Right now we are young and sexy. The longer we stay hot musically, the higher the chances that our reputation will endure. We all want what Skid Marcs has...a musical legacy. So I'll do my part to make it happen for us.

So why do I feel guilty about what happened in my closet? Why should I feel guilty because of Adam's old-fashioned views? He wouldn't have batted an eye if it was Tamara squeezing my girls instead of Sawyer. To me there's no difference. I mean, I had sex with Sawyer a couple of times way back when we first got to LA, but I had sex with a lot of guys, trying to get over Adam, who was having sex with a lot of girls.

That's why I sent him home to cool off. He was pissed and I was rapidly becoming pissed and we can't do what we've done in the past...have a big fight and call it off. We love each other too much for that now. And how could I even explain that to Babycakes?

Sorry sweet baby, your dad yelled at me because I let some random tape my boobs and then I punched him in the throat and now you're the product of a broken home that I didn't even officially move into yet.

Yeah, that sounds ridiculous even to me. Huh. I wonder if our fights were that ridiculous the last three times we broke it off?

Getting ready has calmed me down. I went with a different outfit than I had planned. It's slightly more modest—the silver booty shorts are high waisted and cover a little more ass and the matching bra-top didn't require taping because it has built-in lift. Plus the tassles hanging off cover more. 

It was something Tamara picked up for the country music awards two years ago. Adam had some friends from the Nashville scene that were going and the whole Soundcrush gang decided at the last minute to attend for fun. I chose this to catch Adam's eye because we were on a break, but the shorts were a little loose and we didn't have time for the alterations, so we went with another wardrobe choice.