Forelsket

chapter 1

I was a wildflower, always on my way to something or the other.
For everything I owned, I was self-sufficient. Everyone blurred in the vision, like a camera on a portrait mode only focusing on the goals and destination paths I had planned. Dreams I have arranged like a garden around my life which was fenced to stop the intruder of love. Yes, for me love was a plague, deadly and dangerous.
I thought the day when I failed my first exam for which I had worked harder was the worse day of my life.

But I was wrong, the worse day is the day I met him, who made me realize that my emotions were not as inhibited as I had thought.

Looking at him at the party,
I

still remember every detail of that day from the time. The way his warm brown eyes lovingly glanced at me and to my astonishment, he called me and my friends to join him. Our steps felt out of place, I was a nervous wreck while he managed elegantly swiped across the dance floor a lazy smile still tucked on his face, my eyes would always go back to him even if I tried to change its direction

And that was the time I felt myself sink into this never-ending pit. For that was the moment where we were dancing imperfectly out of beat, his smile having gentle creases which show up when he laughs, the shine in his eyes when some upbeat song comes up. That comfortable aura around him which made everyone want to spend a second longer, smile broader and fall a bit harder.
In that moment of weakness, I made a mistake. I for the first time fell in love.

For the first time as weird as it may sound, I felt beautiful. Not the kind where I feel I can make every male species fall for me, kind of beautiful. But the kind where I was happy to be in my own skin beautiful.

Next day while getting ready I tried to see myself for a few moments trying to believe I was beautiful, the kind I felt on the stage dancing awkwardly feeling happy. Then I noticed my eye color which stood out, being the lightest of brown, my slightly curved body and my skin tone which was envied by everyone when I was a child was the same as my eye, lightest of brown. Maybe I am, I never noticed before. After meeting you I feel like my senses got hightend. I started seeing things differently moreover I am beauty in the mundane things.

I never realized how beautiful it was just to breathe and to hear my heart skipping beats, blood rushing through each and every part of my body like it was the moment it was waiting for all along.

I did not knew how to handle this feeling of aliveness which spurred inside me. All I knew was it was because of you.

The rest of the day passed by like a breeze in which the sight of you remined constant, if possible with time making you more and more rigid, more and more a dream.

Some days I would become still in the crowded hallways in the school just to get a glimpse of you, the way you smile like the world is a happy place while hanging out with your friends makes me wonder if it truly is that happy. I never saw the world this way, I was always on the opposite end. My beliefs was everything but happiness, I think that's the thing I was fascinated about you.

You were a famous, handsome loved by many, whereas I was a girl who would be found reading the huge book at some peaceful corner of the abounded library.

Days passed, I remained in the shadows admiring you from afar. Seeing you fall for someone else.
Yes, it hurt me then. But can't say I was heartbroken or miserable, because I was safe. Like watching thunderstorm rage outside the window, being afraid and safe at the same momentum.

I tried to forget you. I stirred myself back to studies, which helped me take my mind off you. Even then in some lonely time, I would be caught tangled between the thoughts of 'what if', what if I had been brave enough and talked to you that day when you looked at me during the class and smiled recognizing me. Instead, I turned away pretending I didn't notice you.

What if I had attended the party in which I knew you were invited, instead I locked myself in my room thinking about you and the brief moment we had spent together.

What if I had done something different which would have been a hope of you and me.

Maybe I was afraid, afraid to fall in love with you. But I knew it was a lie that I told myself every time your face filled my mind. I was afraid not of falling in love but of being broken. I was afraid that this heart of mine would not be able to hold on to, not being loved the way I knew I wanted to be loved. I was selfish because I didn't want to be a mess. It took me years to pull myself together. To be someone I am proud to see every day in the mirror looking satisfied and happy for a change.

My love was like a tender flower which would bloom with affection, whereas yours were like burning fire engulfing everything in its reach.

I was afraid of falling in love with you and losing myself in the process.

Later I realized it was not you loved but the happiness I felt ,the rare feeling of comfort I got being around you was the thing which I truly loved.

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