Forelsket

chatper-3

It would have been understatement to say my aunt was happy when she saw me with my newly made friends. She was overjoyed, she started to feel comfortable knowing I had friends.

When I moved out from my house in the spur of the moment, there was a huge argument between me and my parents them just throwing all the unsafe things into the discussion while I just showed them my admission letter to the most well-known college. At the end it was decided I would be staying at my aunt's house. Who owned a cafe just near our college. With a spare room at the back where I could live. In turn I just had to look after the cafe on weekends when she and her boyfriend went to visit her in-laws.
It was a fair deal, I even loved my aunt to start with.

After that there was no looking back, cafe became our new hangout spot. During weekends where usually I would be alone with Mark the casher guy, Mandy and Betty the waitresses. Now it was four of us passing time when there was no customers. If the place got crowded we would all work together.

I tried to stick back my guards together, a weapon I used all these years to protect myself. Days were becoming harder each passing moment. Us hanging out was not helping me keeping my guards. Till the time when I was tired of holding myself back. I was tired of thinking about all the possibilities of me being hurt. I didn't realize I was punishing myself for the things I didn't have any control over.

When I was five I was just like everyone. wrapped around by the stories of happily ever after. I hold on to strands of hope of some prince charming on a white horse. I used to have silly crushes thinking they are the one and only. But you know with time I grew up, saw the real world and everything changed.

I remembered seeing my parents scream at each other through my half-opened door when I was merely eight years old, I didn't understand the half of what they used to argue about. But my little heart started to know what hate was. It was at these times when the lines between love and hate slowly started to fade into emptiness. A void which I tried to fill with reason, logic anything to feel whole.

maybe they had lost something and couldn't find it anywhere so they are asking each other where they have forgotten.

Little did my eight-year self knew, they have lost the love which sparked around them like an inferno during there early teens, making them blind to reality. By the time they stepped into there marriage there shoulders were too fragile to bear responsibilities.

Whenever something would come up there was always a fight to resolve it, all the time there was one of them who would end up broken by the sharp edges of other's words.

I stayed locked up in my room. Pulling all the muddled through into neatly aligned words of facts and figures. Their rigidity gave me the strength to pull myself together. I tried to find peace in the crossroads of subjects. solving math problems became a source of happiness when I couldn't solve my family's dispute. Scoring marks where exhilarating because I failed to score praise from my parents. I pulled all my nights into days so that I could get my scholarship, and encouragement I needed. My last strand of hope for my perceived happiness.

When my brother moved out to attend college when I was 12, I followed suit after three years when I got into the school of my dream, my parents divorced. They didn't have me or my brother to tie them together this time, maybe there hate overruled their love.

Somehow the fact that they broke up, made me close myself towards love. I thought it was the weakest of all, it couldn't complete with arguments, disagreement, doubt or hate. It was as fragile as a child.

I started to hate the term love, I wanted to be stronger than it, so strong that any love would Tremble down before it could destroy me. Along time I noticed instead of hating the prospect of love I started fearing it.

All the silly imaginations of happiness where but a beautiful lie.

But why do I feel that I am five years old again whenever I see you? Why do my heart skips a beat when you catch me looking at you. Why do I smile without knowing when you raise your eyebrows a little bit and smile that knowing smile After I get caught.

Most of all why do I want you, after everything I had promised myself all these years. Why do I feel I could go through everything twice by you on my side.

Is this the inferno my parents fell into, not able to withstand its abyss? Am I falling into something against which I had shielded myself all along? My fear and hate colluding into something I had no control over.

With a few steps, I realized it was meaningless to think about it now, as I ignited my world into flames. Never knowing in that innocent moment that, from then on my world would revolve in seems of emotions.

When I looked into your eyes, this time without fear or hesitation. Like you were waiting for this small approval you walked towards me your friends now that I remember had a disapproved sigh.

"Hey, beautiful," you said knocking the wind out of me with your smile.

"H..hii" I replied nervously with all the butterflies marathoning in my stomach.

In the midst of all my chaotic thought rambling inside me, making me numb to the world. your words faded before it got to me. When I focused on your words it didn't make any sense then,

"Sam is having a hard time with maths, you know how stubborn he is with his unreachable pride," he said like it was the most ridiculous thing.

"So I hoped it would help him if you tutor him, " his hopeful eyes were enough to make to breathless.

"Ye,s,"  I replied, fearing if I speak anything else this beautiful spell would be broken, we would again turn into two strangers who mistakenly crossed paths with each other.

"Thank you, I will inform Sam. He will be Soo delighted! Note the sarcasm" he said like we were long lost friends and left me, walking away hi-fying people on the way to his class.

********