playing god

twenty four || hint of regret

"without a hint of regret, i'll hold you to it..."

trigger warning

—

"Hayley. . . open the door, goddamnit, open the door!"

"Hayley, please, you have to let me in, I love you. I love you so much and I need you, please."

"T. . . Okay, Taylor. I'll do it because I love you."

"Just don't freak out. . ."

"Holy shit, Hayley."

"I'm sorry, Taylor. I'm so, so sorry — I screwed up, I know. I'm sorry."

"Fuck!"

—

tyorkie: jermey pleas come

jermbeats: what? to hayleys house?

tyorkie: yes right noe, just fucking comr

jermbeats: shit, im on my way

—

"Hayley. . . what were you thinking?"

Taylor immediately takes off his jacket, struggling to breathe as he wraps it around Hayley's arms. He feels himself suffocate — drown in the once peaceful home of his best friend and the love of his life. Both of their tears flow faster than the blood, and Taylor desperately believes that this means he has a shot.

Once Hayley's arms are tightly wrapped and she has stopped crying out in pain at every touch, Taylor's hands suddenly wrap around Hayley's shaking body, picking her up. She winces as he holds her, one arm under her knees and the other supporting her back. And for every moment of Hayley's pain, Taylor feels infinitely more.

The barely conscious but frantic girl holds her concealed wrists tightly to her chest, and though Taylor's sobs still haven't stopped, he stays strong. With any might left in his failing body, he holds on. He runs outside and finds Jeremy's car parked in the driveway, and he immediately lets the girl in his arms down into the backseat.

"Holy shit!" Jeremy yells, but his aggressive words are laced with tears and an inescapable pain. "Hayley, what the fuck?"

"I'm so sorry," she breathes out, suffocating on her own sobs. Taylor sits her up slightly, and she hugs her arms even tighter to her chest.

"Drive, Jeremy!" Taylor answers, and Jeremy doesn't need to ask where or what happened to know that they're going to the hospital.

Taylor now has Hayley lying down in the backseat as he half-sits, half-kneels in front of her shaking body. With the gentlest movements he can manage, he takes Hayley's still-bleeding hands in his, thinking desperately for another way to stop the bleeding, but there's isn't one.

He can't fix this.

"Hayley, I'm going to ask you questions that you have to answer honestly," Taylor says firmly, and Jeremy can't help but feel his foot press the gas just a little harder.

"Okay," Hayley answers, voice shaky and submissive. She has lost her fight. She tells herself it has left along with Josh, Zac, and the gallons of her blood.

"How long ago did you. . . do this?" Taylor asks, trying desperately not to break down in the middle of his words. He needs to stay strong, doesn't he? Isn't that what Hayley needs?

"When I read it, when it first came out. A couple hours? I don't know, T, I'm sorry."

Taylor holds Hayley's hands in his own and squeezes.

"It's okay, Hayles. Just be strong for me now, okay? Did you do anything else?" Hayley looks at Taylor sadly, seeing something in his eyes that breaks her heart upon realizing she caused it. She quickly shakes her head.

"No. No, nothing else." Hayley still doesn't stop shaking her head, with all the conviction she can barely muster.

"Okay. Nothing else, you promise? You didn't take anything or. . . ?" Hayley just shakes her head. She's become frantic, and the tears stream faster down her terrified face. She needs him to believe her, but this breakdown isn't helping her case.

"Okay, Hayles. Shit, okay, I'm sorry," Taylor says, his words tumbling over his tongue. He doesn't know what to do, but he has to do something — he has to do everything he can. "How many?"

"What?" Hayley asks, and Taylor takes a deep breath, squeezing his crying eyes.

Taylor pushes away the stinging pain in his chest to muster the words he cannot possibly bear to say. "How many cuts?"

Hayley ducks her head. Hearing it makes this all. . . real. It isn't just a thought or an urge or an impulse anymore. She did this. And her actions have consequences.

"I. . . I don't know." Hayley stares at the jacket that surrounds her arms as if the answer she desperately seeks will lie written into the fabric. But she looks up at the owner of the red-soaked fabric, just as lost as earlier.

Taylor feels his chest fall. He needs that answer more than she does, if only to prepare himself for what is to come. And though he knows that Hayley's life may depend on it, he knows that his undoubtedly does.

"Hayley. . . please." Taylor says, his voice shaky as he tries to calm it down. And in front of them both, struggling to keep his tear-filled eyes on the road, Jeremy presses his foot even harder on the gas, simple terms like "speed limit" and "traffic" and "the breaks" leaving his foggy mind as he drives.

"I don't know. T- Taylor, I- I don't know," Hayley pleads, and her chest has started shaking as she tries desperately to remember how to breathe. "I don't know, I just. . . I just did it and I didn't stop until you called and I don't know how much and there was so much blood and I don't know."

Taylor wonders how one man can feel so much pain in one heart and keep living, but as he wraps Hayley in his arms, he knows he needs to stay strong for the girl crumbling apart in front of him.

"Okay, it's okay, Hayley, just take a deep breath. Steady breathing, it's okay." Taylor tries to take his own advice, and he hopes it works on Hayley better than it does for him. But as she suddenly opens her mouth and her wide eyes, staring at Taylor with a chest shakier than her bloody hands, Taylor doesn't understand how anybody in the world could possibly be concerned with such a thing as minuscule as breathing while she says what she does.

"Taylor, I. . . I love you so much. I love you, and- and I want to spend time with you, I want to be with you. Am I. . . going to die?" He can't answer that. He knows he can't answer that, his mouth and his heart won't let him.

But he does.

"No, Hayley. I love you so much, and I need you to stay with me. So I won't let you."

And Jeremy believes this statement to be true as well, and he presses the gas pedal harder than he ever had before.

He won't let her, Jeremy thinks. And he believes it, and he pushes harder in hopes of succeeding. But somewhere, deep in the back of his mind, he knows he is wrong, and he knows Taylor is wrong, and the massive truck barreling towards their speeding car confirms this.

-

i came back to this story an uncountable number of times during the writing and editing process. and each time i edited it or reread it, i thought about changing it, rewriting it, revising the plotline itself. but i never did. and though i know it is right, it feels so wrong.

i do not usually put trigger warnings on specific chapters, but it felt wrong without one. in fact, reading it all back after all these years, it feels a little strange, a little foreign. and i cannot stress how happy that makes me, and i really hope it's the same for you.