Til You Come Back to Me Again - A Love Story

Chap - 5

Five

Waking to Reality

Six years later

Hearing the front door open and close, I turned over in the darkness and squinted at the clock. It was two in the morning.

At least she'd made it home. Some nights she didn't. I was used to it now.

Turning onto my back, I raked a hand back through my hair, listening for her distant footsteps on the tiled hallway floor. She would tell me I needed a haircut again. She said the same thing each time she came in late, letting her hands roam in a clumsy attempt to initiate intimacy after being out all night with 'friends.' My hair brushed my collar now, the black waves permanently tousled. I liked my hair this way and had no desire to change it. As long as I looked groomed, I was fine with it. I did still have control over some things.

I continued to listen for her. Her progress was slow, as always. While I waited, I again let my mind drift back over the years of our marriage. The changes had been slow, but each one served to further widen the small tear in my heart that had begun on our wedding day with that third glass of wine.

For the first six months, things were wonderful between us–not perfect, but I was happy starting a new life with the woman I loved.

We had agreed before our marriage that Suzanne would quit her job and focus on her studies to finish her degree. She had been excited about being a homemaker and had spoken of her dreams and how we would spend our time together. However, whenever I brought up the subject of children, she would change it. Over time, her dreams changed and her ambitions lowered as the glasses of wine increased.

She and Lila started spending more evenings out; I babysat, of course, which was the only part I didn't mind. Then Lila began to have increased emotional issues and Suzanne was away even more. She said she needed to be there for Lila and that I should understand. I wasn't happy about us spending so much time apart, but I did try to be understanding and sympathetic. Lila had been through a lot and it was only natural that she would lean on my wife. The two had known each other for years and there was a lot of history between them.

Two years later, Lila's drinking and subsequent drug use were the cause of her losing her job, so Suzanne started lending her money for rent and groceries. It became a habit and I told Suzanne that though I cared about Lila, I would not continue to fuel her addiction. She accused me of being too harsh. I also told Suzanne the best way she could help Lila was by example, hoping that she would eventually stop drinking too. Sadly, Suzanne still did not realize that she had a problem.

I finally sat down with Lila one day and encouraged her to enroll in a substance abuse program. She was wasting away before my eyes and I worried about her one day going too far. After weeks of begging her to get help for Katia's sake, she said she would, but only if Suzanne and I agreed to be Katia's legal guardians. She didn't want to worry about her being taken care of while she was away. We agreed, I had my attorney draw up the paperwork, and everything was signed, filed and approved. We were now the guardians of a six-year-old.

The day we went to pick up Katia and take Lila to the treatment center, we walked into the apartment to find Katia's arm badly burned from trying to boil water to cook some noodles for lunch. The crying little girl was sitting by her mother, who was lying on the floor unconscious, a puddle of vomit pooled around her head. Lila had overdosed. We called the paramedics, but nothing could be done. She was already dead.

Because Suzanne was a wreck and inconsolable, I called her parents. They came to take her home with them. I rode in the ambulance with Katia and held her in the emergency room while the doctor treated her burn. I could feel the shuddering whimpers roll through her little body as she burrowed against my chest and it brought tears to my own eyes. Both our worlds were turned upside down. She'd just lost her mother to a horrible death, I had lost a dear friend, and I felt like I was losing my wife too. At that moment, I didn't know what to do or what to think.