Til You Come Back to Me Again - A Love Story

Chap - 21

Twenty-one

With Every Breath I Breathe

One month later

"It's happening so fast," I said, covering my face with my hands, tears slipping through my fingers.

"I know," Sylvia said, rubbing my back, crying with me. "But think of how long she had been sick and didn't even know. You've had more time with her than many people get. She is a strong and brave woman."

"She is," I agreed, sniffling and wiping my eyes. "I just don't know how I will let her go."

"I can't begin to imagine what you are going through, Angelo, but my heart aches when I think of her not being in the world. One of the bright lights on this earth is dimming. It will be darker when she is gone, but she will leave a small flame for you, to light your way through this life. Hopefully that flame will grow enough to give you warmth until the day you see her again." She squeezed my hand. "Just remember I will always be here when you need me."

"Thanks, Sylvia, for everything."

We stood and I walked her to the door.

"Call me, no matter the time."

"I will."

Closing the door, I went to the kitchen to get Katia's lunch, which now consisted of nutritional shakes, soup, and organic applesauce because those were the only things she could eat, when she ate, and I had to feed her because she was no longer strong enough.

When the pain had worsened even more, the doctor advised me to order a hospital bed for Katia, but she wouldn't hear of it, insisting that she needed to be next to me. I didn't want to sleep away from her either. Her pain medication was increased, so she was asleep most of the time. When she was awake, we didn't talk, we just quietly stared at each other. I could tell there was so much that she wanted to say but didn't have the strength to.

Whenever I had to take care of Katia's personal needs, tears would fill her eyes, and I knew she was saddened that she could not take care of herself. She felt that she was a burden. She didn't have to speak the words because I saw them in her eyes. I would then kiss her mouth, press my lips to her ear and whisper, "I love you so much, dolcezza. You are my treasure, and caring for you is never a burden. Please don't think that. This is my place."

Moving to the kitchen window, I gazed out at the back yard, allowing my eyes to travel down to the lake. The view brought to mind the last good day Katia had. It was a few days after we got back from Mackinac. We took a blanket down to the lake where Katia and I lay looking up through the leafy tree limbs at the sky. We talked for a while, sharing memories of the past. Katia moved closer, I drew her into my arms, and became lost in her kiss. She was so warm, her embrace so intoxicating. We whispered our love for each other over and over. Sharing a longing gaze, I carried her back to the house and we made love. It was the last time we were able to share the experience. I thought I would miss it, and I did, but now I missed holding her close to me more.

Drawing my thoughts to the present, I poured the shake into a glass, stuck in a straw and put the glass on a tray along with a small bowl of applesauce. Pausing, I took a moment to get a good handle on my emotions before going up.

Katia was awake.

"Hi, bella. I brought you some lunch. Let me sit you up so you can eat." I gently lifted her, doing my best not to cause her additional pain, and placed some pillows behind her back. I sat on the edge of the bed and tried to feed her a spoon of applesauce, but she turned her head away slightly, and I knew she wouldn't be able to eat it. I held the glass and placed the straw between her lips. She was able to take two sips.

"That's good, sweetheart," I said softly. "We will try again in a little while."

Placing the tray on the table, I sat on the bed again and took her hand, startled when she opened her mouth to speak. I leaned over her.

"What is it, my Katia?"

Her voice was just above a whisper. "Adopt a son . . . for us, Angelo. Don't . . . want you . . . be alone." Her eyes were earnest and clearer than they had been for the last week. "Promise, amore."

My dear sweet Katia. She had suffered so much, yet she never stopped thinking of me, never stopped worrying for me. She was the most giving person I knew. Now I would give her this.

"I will," I answered, my voice cracking. "I promise." She slowly smiled then, and I basked in the light of it. I had not thought I would ever see her beautiful smile again in this life.

"Angelo?"

"Yes, my love."

"Would like to . . . lake. Take me?"

"Yes, I will take you."

Wrapping her in a light blanket, I gently scooped her up in my arms and slowly carried her down the path through the back yard, repeatedly kissing her brow on the way. Always small and petite, now she barely weighed seventy pounds. But even with the gaunt features, she was still the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

When we reached the lake, I sat down on the grass and held her on my lap, cradling her in my arms like a child. She slowly opened her eyes, squinting in the bright light. She turned her head slightly, focusing on the lake.

"So beautiful," she whispered.

I had tried to be strong for her, to keep my feelings locked away, but at that moment I couldn't help it. The tears just came in a rush, refusing to be stopped. "You are beautiful," I sobbed, kissing her brow then her lips. "So beautiful. Oh, Katia, I don't know how to be without you."

She turned her eyes to mine, the clarity in them fading. "Live your life, amore mio." Her words were slurring together. "Live for both of us . . . Promise."

"I promise." I kissed her again.

She closed her eyes and rested her head against my heart. "Love you."

"I love you too."

"Tell me . . . about our son."

Caressing her face, I gazed out over the lake. In addition to the ducks that normally made their home along our part of the shore, there were a couple of swans that now lived in the lake. They were always there for a short time, showing up for a few months out of the year.

"Our son will be a beautiful boy, a good boy with a good heart. He will take after you that way. He may not share our blood, but with God's help, I will try to teach him the way you would. He will be smart and gifted like you, but I won't ever force him to be creative. Hopefully he will find his gifts on his own.

"I will read to him every day. He will love to read, and he will love doing his schoolwork. We will play ball and I will teach him Jeet Kune Do. We'll go to the park and I will take him to work with me. He'll grow tall and strong and be kind to everyone. And he –"

Hearing Katia's breath catch, I looked down at her closed eyes just as she softly exhaled. Then it happened again, the second slow exhale being her last. And my world immediately stilled.

Clutching her body to me, I sobbed, rocking her slowly.

"And I will teach him about you, Katoosha. I will tell him of the joy you brought to me and how much I loved you, how much I will always love you. He will know you, amore. Your posterity will know you and love you as I will forever love you."

Holding my wife tightly against me the way I had not been able to before she took her final breath, I continued to rock her and I wept, my broken sobs echoing in the trees surrounding me.

And in my mind, I could hear her sweet voice humming the Rhapsody.