My Darling ❤️

I couldn't, could I?

The Battle of The Somme ~ 1916
Explosions choked the sky ruthlessly.
All he could hear was muffled shouts echoing around in circles. His crystal blue eyes flickered open and everything flew into action. He spotted a fellow soldier on the ground, he might just make it. Matthew acted quickly and rushed him over to the medical bay.

He had a little break before he had to thrust everything he had onto that battlefield. His life at downton seemed so far away now.
He brushed the tips of his fingers fondly over the toy dog and smiled at the photo placed next to it, he had told Mary to give him a photo of her, but hadn't said why. He pressed the photo to his lips, losing himself in his dreams.
He sat thankfully, wondering what it would be like to go back, the concert had been a great success so they had decided to hold another one. But what about Lavinia?

Matthew packed the final items into his suitcase and headed for the train, he couldn't tell what his feelings were about going home...

Mary lived for the pulsing click of her heels against the cobbled London pavement, she lived for the feeling of calm rain falling on her face. London was her escape, it was nice living in Yorkshire but Mary felt like she needed a London trip every so often.
She ran the doorbell of aunt Rosamund's house and waited for mead to answer it.
She had been staying there for a few days now, today was her last day and she would get back to downton by 5.
There wasn't really any rush to get back, it was only another charity concert, nothing special, well nothing that she knew of....

Cora, Sybil and Edith were gathered in Mary's bedroom whilst she finished getting ready.
"Do you miss London?" Sybil asked sweetly
"The thing is, when I am in London I long for the country air, but when I am here, I long for the click of my heels along the pavement" Mary sighed
"Why did I have to come back for this concert, you don't need me" she continued
"But then you would have missed Matthew..." Edith slipped in suggestively
Mary's widened eyes turned to her mother.
"I was going to tell you but you were busy! He is in the village so him and Isobel are coming tonight" She excused
"With his fiancé...." Edith stabbed
"What?" Mary froze but tried to play it off as best she could.
"Matthew's engaged.." Sybil said apologetically, waiting with anticipation for her reaction.
At least a million thoughts bounced about her head, all she could collect was
"How perfectly marvellous" she put on a fake smile, she didn't understand her own feelings and it was the most frustrating thing she had ever experienced.
"..you're ok with it?" Sybil questioned, unconvinced.
"You must try to be happy for him" her mother said gently.
"Of course I am happy for him, just because we're not going to get married, doesn't mean he has to be unhappy. Anyway, there is someone I would like you all to meet, have you heard of Richard Carlisle?" Mary said in a slightly sickly and anxious manner.
"The one with all the horrid newspapers? But how old is he?" Edith whined
"Old enough not to ask stupid questions!" Mary retaliated
"We should probably go down, come as soon as you're ready my darling" her mother finished
The door closed and Mary felt her heart sink to the floor.
"Are you alright milady?" Anna said gently and caringly, as per usual.
"Oh Anna!" Mary's face fell into her hands and she couldn't hold back her choking sobs any longer.
Anna comforted her with genuine concern. The truth was, Matthew had proposed to her months before the war, but she was stupid and listened to the wrong advice, she had let him think she didn't care...

Mary fidgeted uncontrollably with her fingers.
She couldn't tell if she wanted to see him, it had been so long....

Then he was there, actually there. Standing beside 'miss Lavinia swire'.

Matthew stood beside his fiancé, but there was only one woman he could look at. He tried to control himself, telling himself she doesn't care and he has promised himself to Lavinia.
He presented Lavinia to Mary.
"Lavinia, this is.."
"Lady Mary Crawley" Mary interjected
"Of course! I only mean, um that I have heard so much about you from Matthew"
Lavinia replied
"Good things, I hope" mary joked
But Lavinia had been summoned by an old friend.
"What else would she hear from me?" Matthew answered
"Oh I don't know, we haven't seen eachother in almost two years, who knows what you think of me now?" Mary trailed away.
Matthew just smiled.
During the concert, Lavinia looked back to Mary on several occasions even though Mary was two rows away from her.

Matthew had been back in france for 4 months when something happened.
Him and William were just normally chatting. The war seemed to break down barriers, everything seemed so natural. He had never felt so far from real life than in that moment, suddenly they were both caught completely off guard.

Shock sterilised his mind as William leaped in front of Matthew.
Everything crashed to the ground and slowed into a trance. Everything went blank, empty, silent.
The hours seemed to go by like...blank, everything was blank and his head felt like the swinging bell of a cathedral.
At some point he moved, nothing felt normal anymore, he probably wasn't even conscious. They had stuffed him full of morphine and nameless other experimental pain killers.
All he knew now was his eyelids, he could barely hear anything but it sounded like he hadn't woken in days.
Then there was a sentence which caught his attention.
"William died within 8 hours of arriving at the hospital in Leeds"
Why. Sacrifice should be rewarded, not punished. William didn't deserve this.
He didn't know if he was still alive, but if he was, he didn't want to be.
Matthew lay in his dreams for what was minutes to him, but not that easy for everyone else......
He saw sky, and gravel around him. Was he at downton? He couldn't be, could he?
He saw a familiar face looking down onto him. Mary.
"...Matthew.......Matthew..." She spoke enchantingly.
Then everything raced back.
The bustle of the hospital. The searing lights burning into him.
But she was there.
"Ah, you're awake..." She said coolly
"Where's Lavinia?" Matthew asked
"She went home to unpack but I'm sure she'll be back soon" Mary reassured him with a sad smile.
Mary's mind flashed back to the conversation with doctor Clarkson...
"I believe that the spinal cord has been transected" he said seriously
"But he will recover" she had replied hopefully
"Hmm...i don't know how to put it, if I am right and the spinal cord has been transected, then the nerves along his spine have been cut off aswell, he will never walk again...."
Mary's breath quickened and her vision temporarily blurred.

"I seem to have this strange feeling with my legs, well I can't seem to move them, or feel them for that matter, did doctor Clarkson say what that could possibly be?" Matthew said innocently
Mary grimaced.
"Why don't we wait until Lavinia gets here, then we can all talk about it" she stumbled
But she had given herself away by not denying it.
"What is it? Please Mary" he quivered
"He said you may have damaged spine..."
"How long will it take to heal?"
"There's no timing these sorts of things..."
"But he did say it would heal"
"He said there is no reason you shouldn't have a perfectly full and normal lifetime with Lavinia" she said starting to break but attempting to hold it in"
"Just not a very mobile lifetime" Matthew sunk in realisation.
"They don't know for sure..."
"But they do!" He interjected "they do know it, its not going to help lying to me.......Mary I'm so sorry" he continued sorrowfully
"There's no need to apologise..." She said kindly
"But there is, I.....I have mistreated you, I love you, I shouldn't say and I am promised to Lavinia. But I can't be with any woman now, so what does it matter! I can't take someones life away...." He shuttered hopelessly
Finally the last curtain dropped and tears rolled down Mary's cheek one by one.
He took her hand and held it to his chest.
"I am so so sorry Mary..." He said slowly
"Would you like some tea? I would.." She trailed off as she shot up and practically ran to the door of the crowded main hospital room.
She had cleaned herself up and was just walking out when she saw Isobel standing there, back from the red cross in Paris.
"You're back! He'll be so pleased" Mary said concealing her breakdown
"You've become quite the nurse since I was last here" she replied looking at the nurses apron tied around Mary's waist.
"Oh it's nothing, Sybil is the nurse in our family" Mary dismissed and walked out of the room.
"But it is quite the opposite of nothing..." Isobel said to herself and approached Matthew...
Matthew just looked at her, his cheeks still wet and his eyes red.
"Mother" He said desperately, his crystal blue eyes like swimming pools.

Ah so chapter and a half there!