My Darling ❤️

I could never despise you

Mary had flourished in Richard's absence, but he was expected back tonight.
Mary shivered at the mere thought of him.
Matthew kept looking at her, as if to try and figure out what was making her so jumpy and nervous.
He hated to see her like this. Sometimes he wished she would trust him with whatever it was she was hiding. Nothing could be so bad that he would 'despise her'. Matthew didn't understand.
They all finished dinner quietly, it was completely silent until Cora spoke.
"Mary, why don't you take Matthew into the small library"
Mary just stood and wheeled him carefully into the small library.
"Ah look, they've forgotten to take this tray down" Mary said distractedly
"No it'll be too heavy" Matthew tried to warn
"I have been wheeling you around for weeks now" she smiled
He was glad to see her smile, it warmed him to see her ok, but he still didn't want her to drop the tray and hurt herself.
She carried it perfectly until she tripped against a stool, almost falling onto the floor with the broken tea cups and saucers.........but Matthew stood up and caught her forearm just in time.
"Matthew!" Mary exclaimed at the sight of the impossible in front of her.
Matthew just stayed there wobbling ever so slightly.
"You must sit down though, you shouldn't tire yourself out, but how?" She continued

The whole family gathered to marvel over Matthew before Dr Clarkson was wisely called.

"There is only one possible explanation...and it starts with my mistake. From all the evidence available to me, it strongly looked like to spinal cord had indeed been transected, but this, clearly, wasn't the case" Dr Clarkson explained
"But Dr Carter agreed with you" Mary's father added
"Except...he didn't. He thought that it could well be a case of spinal shock..that is severe bruising which causes temporary paralysis of the lower body" Clarkson continued
"Which would heal?" Mary finished
Isobel looked at her son with tears in her eyes.
"My very dear boy" she said happily.
Mary stared longingly into Matthew's eyes, he returned her look smiling graciously
Just then Richard walks in.
He watches Mary and Matthew angrily before they break the spell and Mary stands hastily.
"Sorry I'm late, we got caught up in traffic" he explains addressing the family, but staring ferociously into Mary's eyes.
He indicates for he to come outside into the hall, she obeys.

He guides her towards a wall and presses her against it.
"If you think that you can in some way jilt me or ditch me, you can't.
You have given me the power to ruin you, and don't think I won't use it! Don't you even think about crossing me, I want to be a good husband, to make you happy, but you will never cross me. Do you understand?" He threatened,
pressing her harder against the wall before kissing her and walking away.

Matthew could almost walk properly now, he used a stick for a little support but he basically walked by himself.
It was night time and Mary had decided to go for a walk, it was chilly, but not freezing.
Matthew joined her quietly.
"Please tell me" he said
"I told you, you would despise me" she sighed
"Does your father know?"
"Yes"
"Does he despise you?"
She said nothing.
And then she explained the story of Mr pamuk coming into her room in the night, practically forcing himself on her, although she always blamed herself, and dying of a heart attack minutes later.

"Say something, if it's only goodbye." Mary whispered sorrowfully
"Did you love him?" Matthew questioned
"You mustn't try to..." She was cut off
"If it was love...." He began
"How could it be love? I didn't know him!" She rushed emotionally
"Then why would you?" He asked
"It was lust, Matthew! Or a need for excitement." She covered Mr pamuk's guilt by blaming herself yet again.
"Or something in him that I
Oh, God, what difference does it make? I'm Tess of the d'Urbervilles to your Angel Clare. I have fallen. I am impure." She continued, tears beginning to fall.
"Don't joke." He said
"Don't make it little when I'm trying to understand." He continued
"Thank you for that." She asserted
"But the fact remains that I am made different by it. Things have changed between us." She continued
"Even so, you must not marry him." Matthew confirmed
"So I must brave the storm?" She questioned weakly
"You're strong. A storm-braver if ever I saw one." Matthew said with a tiny smile
"I wonder, Sybil's the strong one.
She really doesn't care what people think, but I'm afraid I do." Mary drifted
"Papa suggested I go to New York to stay with Grandmama to ride it out. Find some unsuspecting millionaire, preferably one who doesn't read English papers." She continued sighing
"Go or stay, you must sack Carlisle" Matthew said clearly
"Why are you so good to me? I don't deserve it" Mary asked
"But you do deserve it, and so much more than this!" He finished decisively

Mary felt vulnerable with Richard watching her every move.
"Have you heard the terrible tales of the Spanish flu coming towards Yorkshire" Robert said starting up a conversation
"Yes, it's quite terrible isn't it" Isobel replied
"I hope you'll excuse me, I don't feel quite well" Mary's mother asked and Robert escorted her out with concern
"And to downton, so it seems.." Mary's grandmother said
Everyone was even more concerned when they heard Carson (for DIELLE: Carson = butler) had been taken ill.
"I'm sorry but I don't feel at all well either" Lavinia excused herself
"Let me take you" Mary offered

A day had passed and O'brien (DIELLE: maid) had been tirelessly slaving away trying to keep Cora alive.
They all worried intensely and it only worsened when the Dr announced that if she made it through the night, she would survive.....
It was at dinner that they heard the most shocking news.....

Sybil came running in, she had changed into her nurses uniform that morning so she could help all that were suffering.
"What is it? Is it mama?!" Mary asked hurriedly
"That's the thing....it's Lavinia" she answered carefully
Matthew rushed to her room and Mary set off before Richard grabbed her by the wrist.
"Let him go to her"
Mary slipped her wrist away and ran after Matthew.
Lavinia was barely breathing and looked like a ghost laid down on the bed.
Her breath was laboured and choked.
"Maybe...this is...better" Lavinia whispered with difficulty
"What could you possibly mean?" Matthew replied
"Be...happy, for my...sake" she struggled
"I can't without you" Matthew replied
"She's not happy, please, I want it..don't feel guilty...just be happy" Lavinia finished
"...no..." Matthew whispered
Lavinia wasn't breathing.