Ashes (Tokyo Ghoul fanfic)(Boyxboy)

Chapter 6

(You guys could probably tell that Chapter 5 wasn't finished, haha... Too many had read it by the time I noticed, whoops)

***

Today was my first day leaving this room, by normal means, in nearly eight years. It felt very strange, to step foot outside the door and see the security that lay outside. The long hallway of continuous checks and guards, that make me wonder if it's even safe for me to leave the room. If it's me they try to keep in, I don't mind it. I know I'm dangerous, it's common sense.

But if what they are guarding against is themselves, then that only agitates me. So I wasn't in the best of moods leaving the safety of my room, or the height that protects me from the things I cannot manage. The only comfort was that I had the company of Eyebrows, who seems to be called 'Amon' outside. That and the tight warmth of the new clothes I was given. It was like a grey dry-suit, with the words 'Property of CCG' in white on the back. Father had told me not to worry much about it, and just wear something over it if I felt anxious. So I did. A baggy beige sweater with a turtleneck. The dry-suit was pants enough, and the sweater reaches down to my thighs anyways. The only other addition was a band of metal around my wrist, which didn't have any other function besides telling my handler where I was.

I made sure of that by pestering everyone about it.

I was too riled up to keep calm, and though all we were doing was going around delivering reports and sitting at his desk to complete paperwork and manage his mail, it was hard to function. The older one from before kept coming by, gently reminding me that my eyes were showing and thankfully not bringing the spastic thing with him. It was already enough that I could see it leering and giggling at me from his enclosed office. It was a very stressful endeavor, but one I would have to get used to in order to be helpful. I want to be helpful. I want to be a good little Bat and get lots of praise.

Want to make Father happy.

My attention is stirred away from idle thoughts by the brief appearance of the blond lady. She's apparently Eyebrows's human partner, though she doesn't talk to him much and simply comes by to pass paper or reports or whatever off to him. I would say she's angry with him, but she appears to do that with everyone. She does not seem to bad though, and since she gave me half of her snack earlier when she was called away by the older one, I find no reason to not like her. Her desk is close to Eyebrows's but she hardly seems to be at it longer than a few minutes.

She gives me a small nod, sliding a file onto the desk, before going to sit at her own. I watch her, counting time out of necessity for stability, but once again she gets up and leaves. Only seven minutes spent that time.

"Where does she go?"

"What?"

"The blonde lady. She moves around a lot."

"She's covering both of our work, since you're joining us and you haven't acclimated yet."

"I acclimate quickly."

"You've been on the verge of an anxiety attack since this morning..."

I don't reply to that. This seems to catch his attention, as he glances towards me for a long moment before refocusing on his work. I don't mind that he's busy. I just feel like I have nothing to do and too many new things around, and this is not at all helping. I curl up more in the chair, resting my cheek on my knee and closing my eyes. I'm tired and feel like sleeping, but that would be the height of laziness.

I need to calm myself down. But I feel like I've forgotten, somewhere, exactly how to do that. I used to have lessons every day with Father when I first came here, teaching me how to calm down and think rationally. I used to rarely leave the safety of my kagune. I was told that I have calmed immensely from that time, to almost be considered a normal human. Although I feel as if that's perhaps a flawed judgement, seeing as that horrible, spastic thing would be considered human in their eyes as well. I can never say what is flawed in humans. Is it poor judgement or sentimentality that makes them take so kindly to monsters?

I reopen my eyes. I can sense that they are no longer likening of my kind, just normal blue flickering here and there in a dance with awareness. I have to wonder about the irony of my kind. We appear similar humans, perhaps at some point in the past having been humans, and yet we are so different. A ghoul's prey and enemy is a human. So it would be normal for a predator to disguise itself as its prey and rival to better survive. So why do kakuja retain that humanity? Our prey is our former kind, so realistically we have no need to keep our appearance. We can easily overpower any ghoul or human, and there are plenty of places to hide. So why do we keep our human bodies? To simply blend in? Or is there some other instinct to fulfill that we are not aware of? Another drive even deeper within?

"Gekko."

That voice snaps me back to the present. Eyebrows stands up immediately in a salute. He keeps doing that. It's irritating. Father walks over, and I notice his case is in hand. He does sometimes say goodbye if he'll be on assignment for a while. This must be one of those times. I don't move, just looking at him. He walks over to rest a hand on my head.

"Behave while I'm gone. You are not safe outside."

It's all he says, before turning and leaving with a brief nod to Eyebrows. I hum a slow tone after he's gone, contemplating. Somehow his words, though they confirm what I knew, are calming. Simple. I am not safe outside, that is, outside my room. Inside I have the protection, the knowledge that any who would harm me would swiftly be stopped. Out here there is no barrier, no walls, no bars. Nothing except my own self to protect me. It should be agitating, but instead I feel stable. Settled and comfortable with that knowledge.

"You're a lot calmer now. Do you trust him?"

"Trust? I don't know that. He is Father. He taught me to be... human. To think clearer. He speaks in simple words that help."

"I see..."

He's hesitant about something. I don't know what. I watch him, waiting. He goes back to his work after taking his seat again, but it's not long before he finally asks.

"Is that your name?"

"My name? I'm called Bat."

"He called you Gekko. Moonshine."

"That is my name. The before name, before Bat. Before Father."

"Who named you that?"

"Male parent. I ate him. He smiled, called me little Gekko. So I am Gekko, but here I am Bat."

He seems to like that information. My name. My real name.