My Dear Diary (The Diary of a 12 year old Lesbian,Book 1)

17

My Dear Diary,
It seems I broke yet another promise. Sorry about breaking the promise I made. Life is rough right now. I can't say much in case anyone finds you but, it's taking a mental toll on me. You know, I was really bad when I first started writing in you. But what can you do. It's summer break, which gives me more time to think about the worst and best possible things. I prefer the latter but the first option comes up more frequently. I'm becoming more confident. I started to not wear my jacket as much as I used to. I also wore shorts for a couple days. Nobody noticed. I like to pretend that I don't care so that maybe I'll actually believe that I don't care. That's not really working out, it's just making things worse. I always tend to do that, make things worse. It's funny how desperately I try to be neutral, to keep everyone happy, to make sure that people like me. It really is. You know, I like to think that I'm a mirror. I copy other people in hopes of them liking me more. I obtain their interests, how they speak, what they like and don't like, what they respond to, etc. I'm used to it at this point, so I do it instinctively. Old habits die hard don't they. I go to therapy every week, once a week. I had to end up cutting out drama club for it. Sometimes it feels like your the only one I can talk to. People say that they understand, which I'm not going to argue with, but they don't understand to some degree. They don't know me like I know myself. I don't think I even know myself that well. I ended up making 3 people to talk to, besides you of course. Ciel, Sebastian, and Ella. Ciel and Sebastian, well, they hate me to the bone and constantly degrade me. Ella is, perfect. She's the opposite of every bad aspect of myself. She's nice to some degree, but she ultimately makes me feel so much worse. But don't tell her I said that. I need to try and sleep now. I haven't slept much and I need it. I'll try and write in you more often, no promises this time.
Emily Vero -:-