Reminiscent: A Collection

A Million Angers and Frustrations

A/N: Sort of wrote this when I was very angry and fed up with everything, but it came out as more of a comedy. I wrote this as a speech, so again, yeah, it might sound a bit odd with some of the speaker notes.

I remember when I was a child, looking up at the stars in fascination. And how I was always wondering how they decided their own alignment and how this affects our day to day life. How something so many billions of miles away could still touch me here on Plain Old Earth. I remember all these wonderings and then realize that now's not the time and that my following speech has literally nothing to do with the stars. This is my PSA "A Million Angers and Frustrations".

Yeah, you heard it, right there in the title; I've got a million of them. I'd list them all out right here and right now, if I could, but I'm afraid a pathetic ten minutes just won't suffice. I've got a million things that are just enough to really tick me off and about a billion that ought to count (sadly these were all turned down by the Board of Complaints when I went downtown to file 'em).

I know, there may be a few of you out there who may be exactly like me; share the exact same issue that I do. And that's okay! Accepting yourself for who you truly are is the first step to alleving this prominent dilemma.

Yes, I may have a million angers and frustrations, but believe me, I am not an angry person. My ma' always said that I could never have a mean bone in my body. Nope, not even that super tiny one that's supposedly in my ear. You see, I'm a genuinely nice person. Just yesterday, I picked a gum wrapper up off the ground (well, after I'd dropped it, but that's completely besides the point). About these frustrations and complaints and such, it's quite clearly not because I'm a bad person or anything like that. I doubt there's a single person out there who's ever been rubbed the wrong way by me.........well unless you count.........Anyways! It's definitely not that. 'S probably just the opposite. I'm a good person, (er) frustrating things just seem to happen to me in particular.

A million frustrations and angers. Now, I know exactly what you must be thinking: "A million? That must be some sort of record! How does one achieve such a feat???" And to this, I must reply, yes. A million. I could show you the list..........but, um, perhaps after the fact. And, as to how I achieved such a thing, it was pretty simple. You'd be surprised at how quickly these things add up. Just yesterday, I was down filing in the office of the Board of Complaints on seven different occasions..........my morning didn't go so well............ Let's u (*as though scrolling down a long list*).........ah, here we are:

8:47 A.M., COMPLAINT #999,989: Coffee (black) "way too hot".

8:49 A.M., COMPLAINT #999,990: Shoelaces tangled momentarily.

11:25 A.M., COMPLAINT #999,991: Laurel (secretary) asks "How's the coffee?" twice.

11:26 A.M., COMPLAINT #999,992: Laurel (secretary) can't seem to understand that the coffee (black) was "way too hot" .

12:21 A.M., COMPLAINT #999,993: Kathleen (from office next door) asks "How're the husband and kids?". Client reportedly does not have kids, not are they married.

12:46 P.M., COMPLAINT #999,994: Subway sandwich (toasted with turkey, lettuce, tomatoes, and extra mustard) is not toasted as requested.

5:42 P.M., COMPLAINT #999,995: Bathroom light still flickering.

You see the sort of stuff I have to deal with? And that wasn't even one of my busy days! You should have seen me last Tuesday.......heh, heh, heh.......that was not a good day. Cousin Mark showed up in my lobby.......twice.

Yes, it has been a tough road to a million angers and frustrations. But it is a life I could never regret. Just this morning, when I was filing COMPLAINT #1,000,000 (bathroom light burns out), I truly appreciated, for the first time, what a grand fest it was that I'd achieved. And them the representatives from the Board of Complaints asked.me to do this motivational talk thingy just about twenty minutes ago. Of course I was thrilled, I still remember my very first complaint:

August 23, 1987, 2:22 A.M., COMPLAINT #1: Client is born.

........yeah, it pretty much went downhill from there.....but don't get me wrong! My life isn't all angers and frustrations. Every now and then, I go for a walk in the park. That rarely ever leads to some sort of complaint........usually. I also volunteer at the animal shelter on Saturdays. The only regular complaint there is the smell.

I stand here before all of you today as the world record-holder for the most grief caused to the Board of Complaints (not exactly sure what that means, but that's what they wrote here) and I do hope to continue to change the world by spreading the word of my angers and frustrations and I also hope that this here gathering has opened your eyes to certain realities that are present in out world and are becoming increasingly more.so, especially today.

This all sounds really great, right? And you're convinced that this just can't be true? And you're all moments away from demanding to know where you can sign up??? Right? Right??? Well, everything I've said throughout this entire presentation has been 100% true (*wink, wink*) and all you have to do to start changing the world for the better today and begin to record every last anger and frustration that impedes your daily life, all you have to is simply make your way on over to the Board of Complaints. No, no, no! Not yet!!! When you get there, it's as easy as opening up an account. If you all start as early as today, I am absolutely positive that each and every one of you will eventually attain the status of which I have on this fine occasion................

Actually, I have a small something to confess to all of you. I wasn't really planning on sharing this bit, but.......the Board of Complaints never asked me to speak here today, in reality. Actually, some blonde chick was supposed to be here. Said she had a story about how she'd gotten a "severe" (*eye roll*) case of depression after some jerk boyfriend broke up with her (A/N: this is not something that you guys would find as funny, I understand, it's just that most people choose to share stories like that in my area of speech). Anyways, my million angers and frustrations are way more interesting than that, I'm sure you'd all agree, but if you really want her back, I'd check in the broom closet if I were you. And also, I suggest bringing a crowbar or something heavy.

To wrap things up, because I really am in a rush, millions of angers and frustrations go unnoticed and unchecked daily. I'm here simply to impress upon you the absolute magnitude of the situation we are currently in and to urge you to join our cause. It was a miracle that I managed to catch as many complaints as I did. The Board of Complaints needs your support to-

(*Mouth sounds: bzzt, bzzt, bzzt*) (*whispering*) It's the Board of Complaints; I've got to take this, sorry.

(*talking into "phone"*).....Yeah, 'course it's me.....What do you mean???..... If course it's your guys's job to record and keep track.if complaints and of course you need more volunteers..... (*off "phone", to crowd*) These guys, what kidders. (*back to "phone" *) Mhmm......alright, if you say so..... Good bye, love you~<3 (*hangs up*)

Excuse me, but I've got to go. I actually need to get over to the Board of Complaints right about now, I have a few complaints O forgot to record earlier. Hope to see you over there!!!