[BSD] Kim Ranka

Short Story - He Knows

If there was something I had to say about Osamu, then it would be that I don't understand him. Well, not as much as he understands me like the back of his hand.

There are times when I feel like I am being played around by him. Everything goes according to his plan. Maybe it does not help that I tell him my schedule at all times and how my day went.

To me, he is a contradicting existence. Smiling and teasing all day and night, one would have thought he was a very happy human being. But could he be actually happy when he seeks death because he is tired of the world?

Osamu is not afraid of death. He never was. He could die any day at any time. I know he could and would. The thing that kept him alive... I am going not be arrogant to say that he is living because of me. That's not true after all.

He simply lived. He stayed alive because death had not come for him yet. No matter how many times he danced with the grim reaper, he would stay alive.

He doesn't have a reason to stay alive. I'll never be his reason to stay alive.

Every time I arrived home, anxiety and fear would crawl up my nape.

What if Osamu is not home? What if he is not in the futon sleeping like he is supposed to? What if I found him hanging or just...

dead?

Osamu knows about my thoughts. He knows about my anxieties even though I never tell him. He knows because it shows by how I give him a trembling kiss to dispel the damn curse (to tell him how relieved I am) and how I stick next to him because he seem to be cold (because I want to make sure he is alive). He knows.

Dazai is a tattered human being. Maybe even twisted. I've seen it once.

It was when he was bedding me. I don't think he was aware of it but his eyes lost all light. He was in a dark daze and pleasure. His teeth would gnaw on my shoulders and neck.

"If only I could lock you up... if you would be tied to me..."

I couldn't say anything back to him because gasps of pleasure would leave my lips.

How weird. He knows that my feelings. He knows that I will stay by his side until death comes and watch him die. He knows that when he dies, I will die. He knows all this but he refuses to acknowledge it and chases for it when he already has it. He is blind.

I look at Osamu as I stop applying make up. Today we are having dinner at home and we decided to have something simple.

He is humming and smiling. His movements relaxed.

I saw otherwise. He was humming the dreadful suicide song. His smile was relaxed and didn't give sign of tension but his eyes, although bright, was in dark daze. His movements were relaxed of how someone who was in battles knew what to expect at all times.

How I knew this? I don't know. This was what I saw. This was how I viewed Osamu. I don't understand Osamu.

He seemed to have felt my gaze because he turned his attention to me. Tilting his head sideway, his smile brightened.

"I know I am too handsome but even I will get embarrassed if you stare too much."

I blink a few times before I felt the tip of my ears flame up. Embarrassed at the accusation that I was goggling at him, I glare at him. That was not the reason why I was staring at him. He knows that yet he still made that accusation.

He chuckles as he turns his attention back to cooking. It is a nice sound but it doesn't calm my flames ears.

"Osamu."

I called him after a moment of silence.

"Hmm?"

He hummed. His attention still on whatever he was making.

I don't exactly know why I called him. I just felt like calling him as I stared a hole into his brown head. My eyes then traveled down to his wide shoulders and back. It was a lovely but lonely back.

"Ranka?"

He calls out.

I move away from my make up and approach him. He knows I am getting closer to him. His shoulders are tense, expecting something. I don't mind it too much.

I turn off the fire while my other hand grabs Osamu's collar to bend him down. Slamming my red tainted lips against his bare ones, I slip in a deep kiss.

I don't know if he is surprised. I didn't have time to check because I pulled away and checked out how now his red lips looked on him. He looked beautiful with the smeared red.

Osamu is handsome and maybe even beautiful. Even more than the handsome customers back at work. He was he only one who able to set a flame in my body.

To me, the tattered and broken and twisted Osamu who smiles and teases everyone is the most beautiful human being. I hate him. I hate him with all I have. I hate him so much that I can't let him go. I would hate him even more if he died.

And Osamu knows.

______________________

Please follow, vote and comment!

Comments are very inspiring!