The Dangers of Butt Dialing

n i n e t e e n

carla
jordan

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*please refer to the playlist (ghost town)*

"is everything alright?"

"i called because well um i realized that wait shit. fuck. um its just that i dont want you to tutor me anymore."

"uh why?"

"well after our conversation the other night, i dont think it would um well i guess i dont want you to think this friendship is like for me to exploit you"

"i never got that vibe from our friendship."

"yea but maybe one day youll look back on it and interpret our friendship the wrong way."

"whats wrong"

"nothing."

"bs. youre lying. tell me whats going on"

"i just honestly its really nothing."

"its not nothing when you sound like that"

"sound like what?"

"sound sad."

"oh um. i dont think i want to talk about it right now"

"are you sure?"

"yea...can we just leave it alone."

"for now, sure."

"so. how has your day been."

"its six am on a sunday. ive done nothing but talk to you and pee."

"good point."

"..."

"im sorry this is so awkward for me an i have no idea why"

"i dont mind it, really."

"then is it me? wait yea im the one making it awkward and i have no idea why."

"i dont know what to tell you man."

"hey where are you right now?"

"um. my house."

"look outside."

"oh! the sunrise is so pretty"

"yea, the colors are magical. it looks like a painting, like it cant be real."

"is this why youre awake so early on a sunday?"

"perhaps. i do it every sunday in hopes that i catch a beautiful sunrise and then i save that image for a rainy day."

"its truly breathtaking....how did i miss out on this?"

"a lot of people do. they miss out on the hidden gems right in front of their nose."

"isnt it crazy that we're watching the sunrise together but we arent at the same location. like i guess well i dont know."

"yea"

"how did this ritual start?"

"my mom used to take me up on the roof every Sunday morning and we would enjoy and i quote "gods creation." it just reminds me of her i guess"

"what happened to her"

"ah. you want to know about my tragic backstory."

"i guess i do"

"she um passed away. ovarian cancer."

"i dont know what to say"

"you dont have to say anything. mom was so freaking strong. um she was so freaking ambitious like one of her dreams was to open up a community center to help the homeless. its hard but she was so brave and i know she didnt pass while in pain."

"at first i didnt believe it—that she had cancer— i told myself the doctors were lying. but i witnessed it, right in front of my nose. there were signs, at first, the bags under her eyes and how skinny and weak she looked."

"she was a fighter, truly. she just kept losing the fight. and i guess one day she couldnt keep um anymore. mom -uh- my mom was gone one day. and she couldnt come back."

"you would think it ripped our family apart, but maybe it brought us closer together. we lean on each other, and we are truly a family."

"it just hurts—sorry"

"its okay jordan, let it all out. its ok to cry."

"um its just that for me, dealing with her death was difficult. i went through the five stages of death? i dont know what its called but i was in denial and i was angry for a long time. it happened in eighth grade, what other reaction would there have been though."

"ive come to peace with her passing, and everyday im healing. that doesnt mean im straying away from her and her memory, it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt anymore. because it still fucking does. but theres a part of me that i guess accepted it."

"i dont expect you know what to say or anything. lets just watch the sunrise"

"of course."