Heart of Darkness

Kabanata 13

Kabanata 13

"Are you ready to open up again?" My psychiatrist, Dr. Thorn Valderama asked me, staring intently.

I sighed, muli kong dinungaw ang aking mga daliri at nagsimula nanamang kumalabog ang dibdib ko.

"M-Maayos naman na ako, Doc, diba?" Sumulyap ako sa kanya. "Then, I don't understand why I am still dreaming...why I'm still so scared."

"You've been skipping a lot of therapies now, Miss Almedarez." He said, fixing his glasses. "I emailed you a lot of times but I got no response from you so, I was worried."

"Why did I still have to undergo therapies? Maayos na ako! Maayos na!" Nanginginig kong sabi.

"Kung maayos ka na, then, why are you here?" He said and I froze.

Yeah...why am I here, anyway?

"You don't have to convince me that you are fine because I know you are still not." He said. "Sa lahat ng tao, ako ang pinakanakakaalam ng pakiramdam mo ngayon."

"W-What if I'm crazy? Paano kung may sakit na po pala ako--"

He smiled a bit, tilting his head. Umiling s'ya sa akin at umayos ng upo, kumuha ng stress ball roon sa gilid at iniabot sa akin.

"You're not, Miss Almedarez. You weren't crazy, you were just traumatized about your past experiences."

Hindi ako umimik at pinisil ang stress ball, nililibang ang sarili dahil naiiyak nanaman ako.

"I assume you haven't opened up yet?" Aniya.

I nodded, biting my lower lip.

"You have to slowly let yourself be heard, you have to tell someone close to you your struggles, Winter." He said.

"Will they understand me, Doc?" Bulong ko.

"They will understand you, hija." Aniya. "People who love you will understand your struggles, you have to forgive yourself too, let go of the pain. You can't hate yourself forever."

"Will I ever learn how to face those fears, Doc? All my life since the incident, I felt like I was trapped in the darkness."

"Then you have to find the light in yourself, forgive, reflect and let go of the painful memories. Open every doors in the dark room you're in until you find a light." Pinagsaklop n'ya ang kamay.

"I want to, doc, for years I tried hard but I know it was my fault."

"It is not, Winter. It was never your fault, Summer loves you so much and will do her best to keep you safe. Pakiramdam ko, kung mangyayari ulit iyon, your sister woudn't even think twice and will save you again and again."

I remembered my sister, smiling happily at me, her black eyes glistening as she took my hand and pulled me to the horror house we always wanted to try the first time. Her eyes looks assuring, saying everything will be alright because she's here.

But now...she wasn't here anymore, will I ever be alright?

"Bukod sa nangyari sa Ate mo, that exact week, have you remembered anything now?"

"No," Iling ko. "Everything was blocked from my memory, except for what happened to me and my sister. I tried so hard to remember but I can only see a glimpse, mas malinaw talaga sa akin ang ala-ala ng Ate ko."

"Negative events may edge out positive ones in our memories, especially in traumatic experiences." He said. "Let me help you, okay? Come back here often and please, Winter, siputin mo ang sessions natin."

I noticed how concern laced his voice, ngumiti naman ako roon at napatango.

"Yes, Doc. I'm sorry for skipping therapies...I always thought I am alright."