East West Sunset - A Darry Curtis Fanfiction

Chapter Thirty-Three

When we got back to the Curtis's, I didn't want to walk inside. I didn't want to go into that house. I couldn't- not when the air still smelled like him and the footsteps in the dust on the front stairs were still his. Everything seemed poised for him to come walking back through the door again, almost like the little universe he had created for himself was waiting for him still, but I knew he would never return. Soda, Pony, and I stood silently on the sidewalk in front of the house, staring up at it. My sobs had quieted to a ragged hiccup in my chest. It was the only sound on the street, and it made my ears ring like the aftermath of an explosion.

"Some sleep is what we need." Soda's voice was hoarse. "There will be a lot to deal with tomorrow, and we will need to be alert."

Pony nodded. I didn't move from my place in front of the house; I was rooted to the spot, a sentinel of the dying house.

"I can't," I whispered. I imagined Darry's room, where just last night we had slept side by side, but now would feel too empty for me to bear. "I can't go in there."

"Sleep on the couch," Pony said.

Soda nodded and took my arm to help me up the stairs. "You've got to come inside."

I let myself be dragged up the front stoop. My feet still wouldn't obey the commands I gave them, so I was a dead weight across Soda and Pony's shoulders. I collapsed onto the couch as soon as we reached it.

"Goodnight," Soda said, his voice strained.

My heart ached so terribly for him, and I grabbed his hand close to my chest. "I'm so sorry, Soda. I'm so sorry for everything. This is all my fault." My voice cracked, and I squeezed my eyes shut as tears seeped out. "If I hadn't- if I had only-"

"Don't you blame yourself, Diana, it'll only make things worse," Soda interrupted me harshly.

I fell silent. He and Pony left me alone with my sword-sharp thoughts.

My hands still trembled violently from the pain that was eating me alive. Soda didn't want to burden me with the blame of Darry's death, but I knew it was my fault. His smell, like chocolate, aftershave, and cigarettes, still clung to the upholstery of the couch, and it wrapped around me like a warm wool blanket. I felt the ball of ice lodged in my throat begin to melt under its warmth. Tears flowed unrestrained down my cheeks, first a trickle, then a deluge so vast I couldn't see at all. Salty tears coursed over the contours of my dry cheeks, dripping off my chin. I bit my tightly clenched fist mercilessly to keep from crying aloud, and tears even streamed into my open mouth. A headache began to pound at my temple; with all the water pouring from my eyes, I was becoming severely dehydrated.

As I cried out my guilt and grief, something in my chest began to loosen. The pain was still there, of course, but I knew what I had to do now. I owed it to Darry to take care of the two boys he cared about perhaps more than anything in the world. He might be gone because of me, but I would make sure that Soda and Pony would still manage to become all that he wanted them to be. I knew I had to do that. If I had to work every day in my life to put Pony through college, to give Soda time to buy his own garage, then I would. I couldn't let my selfish and stupid mistakes cost them not only their brother, but their future too. I would allow Darry's death to break only me. I was the only one who deserved to be broken. Soda and Pony were blameless. Darry was blameless.

I fell into a fitful sleep. Darry's scent wreathed around me until it, too, turned as cold as the tumbling Arkansas River.

~~~~~~~~~~

My sleep was dreamless. I awoke the next morning unrefreshed and still feeling as though a part of me was asleep, and I knew I never could be fully awake again, not when half of my soul slumbered on in eternal darkness. At least my tears had finally been stopped, though, so I was left feeling empty and weary instead of a living, breathing pain.