Thoughts through Words

Stuck Forever

One of my darkest secrets lies just inside my head;
Where the most dangerous thoughts float;
Flowing like a non-stopping river,
A river that is filled by my mistakes, my flaws and my doubts.
Making me question every single thing in my life.
Making me question which route I took that led to this place.

I can't remember which route I took led me to this place.
It's place filled with nothing but darkness.
The strange thing is, I can see through darkness;
I can see the days I've spent screaming for help.
I can see the days my eyes redden from all the tears they lost,
Angry and begging me to stop.
I can see the days I lie awake in my bed,
Thinking about all the things I could've done better.
I can see the days I've spent telling myself it's okay,
But knowing it's a lie to calm the monsters in my head.

But it's not just darkness that I see.
There are millions of bright faces,
With smiles plastered on them.
Two seconds later, The sound of laughter fills the darkness.
Their laughters are knives that cut through my heart,
There's a dazzling light behind these faces,
Taking a step closer, I recognize everyone I've met in my life.
I scream for help but no one seems to notice me.
They're all busy mastering the art of living like they were born perfect.
Laughing and smiling as if the world is all rainbows and cupcakes.
Maybe that is what's behind the light.
Except I'll never know, for it seems I'll be stuck in this place forever.

I take a step backwards,
hoping to get away from all those faces and their pesky sound of laughter.
But my head slams on an enormous wall the way you slam your door when you're angry at your mother for not allowing you to go out,
although you've been staying in your house for the past 11 months of your life.
My head slams on the wall the way you slam poems hoping people would understand what's behind your words,
Not just the words.
My head slams on the wall the way you slam your book shut when your favourite character dies after a spun-out adventure.

The wall is black with thousands of words written on it.
They're not just words;
They're quotes, songs and sayings.
A quote catches my eye;
It's shining like a star in the galaxy where everything is leaden.
"I'm fighting to be here in this shitty, messed-up world," it says.
And in fact, I am.
I'm killing thoughts that tell me you're just a failure,
Thoughts that scream nobody loves you,
Thoughts that echo in my head saying you'll never be good enough.
I'm holding my anger and anxiety captives inside my head;
Now they're destroying me rather than everyone around me.
I'm fighting the urge to stay in my bed,
I'm fighting the urge to punch every smile I see,
I'm fighting the urge to murder my feelings,
I'm fighting the urge to cut through the perfectly imperfect skin of mine.
And most importantly, I'm trying so hard to get out of this place.

This place is a maze,
A maze with bazillions of doors, paths and routes.
I've been lost in this maze for what seems like forever.
I am a tiny forgotten bead in a box filled with giant rubies packed like sardines.
The maze is so humongous, it fills the whole space.
I pass doors and walk through paths till I reach a sign
"Memories to the right, Control room to the left," it says.
That's when it hits me;
This is not a remote place that I'm stuck at,
This is my head.