feelings

a missing friend called "t" and the home she ran away from.

A friend left me today. She was an important part of my life and she meant the whole universe to me, but those feelings were never reciprocated. She disliked me with so much of her being that the love I gave her bounced back and disappeared into thin air.

I tried to give her a special new home in my heart away from the pain that this world gives but she decided to grab a hammer and tear the home down. She didn't move out for someone else to claim that space as their new home, no, she tore it down when she decided to leave so no one else call my heart their home.

There's been an emptiness in that spot that won't ever go away no matter how much healing I'd have to go through. It's a pit in my heart that's just clouded up my whole being of a person and made it all toxic.

She left with no note why, no thirty day notice before she moved out, she just disappeared out of home and life to me. She's become a missing person in my head that I'm still searching for, but knowing that someone else gets the freedom of knowing that missing person aches the worst. Especially if it's people you know that's hiding that missing person in their own home now, away from you.

I've been sobbing over this friend for a while now. My heart is empty without her presence, her life, her soul and it has yet to try and rebuild. It feels like without her, nothing is right anymore. She had a special something to her that made things feel alive, like you could conquer the world. She knew when something was wrong and made you laugh hysterically every minute.

T (her nickname) is an amazing person and friend who I still think deserves everything good to go towards her. She deserves the support and inspiration to help her write and wherever I am I hope I'll get the opportunity to see her be a famous artist or writer.

She's going through her own things. Moving, friends, life, dealing with finding herself and I always try to be there for her. Even if she's hiding in someones else's home I'll still be right there to cheer her on through everything. 

You may have cut me out of your life but you can't ever cut me out of your heart no matter how hard you try. You won't admit it but I was just as an important person to you as you are to me, maybe not in the same way or the same amount, but I was still something. A small something that affected who you are now, the person you'll end up being.

You'll try to forget me, try to pretend we didn't spend around five years of our lives together but it's impossible. You can't rid yourself of everything that's me. You can block me, ignore my texts of cries asking you to come back home, but your mind will always linger back to me.

You'll be toxic too, you'll hang out with new friends and enjoy them and their home they have for you, but in the end your place was my home first. There will always be a small part of you, a shimmer of your soul, that will come back to check on your first home and see if it's okay. But T, you'll only find that your home will still be dust and rubble as you had left it when you ran away.

This home and this heart will still be open for you one day, and maybe that just means I'm too nice to someone who couldn't handle all of me, but if that's too nice then I am the word nice. 

I think still having your arms wide open for someone to come back home is giving people chances to change and redeem themselves and that goes for you too T.

If you're reading this T, I forgive you and I hope you can forgive me. No matter how long it is, where I am, you're so important to me. If you ever want to come back, my heart will always be open for you to come back and make a new home. Maybe not one quite as big as the first but a home nonetheless.

(hey t, come back home soon, alright? i miss you. things aren't quite the same without you.)