feelings

a friend named "B" and how we both got lost wandering around.

There's a lot to say in this, and a lot of unspoken words that I'm always afraid to say. I have to take down so many walls to speak on this because I'm scared. I'm scared I'll do something wrong and you'll hate me more. I'm scared you'll read this one day and think about how stupid I am to write this or how I'm just trying to force you back.

I promise I'm not. I just feel like there should be closure if we never talk again and that we need something nice to end things on.

I have a friend named "B" (for privacy reasons). We've been best friends for a long time, about six years, and through thick and thin we've been by each other sides. For better or worse.

Recently, things are starting to change. People are growing, people are doing new things and it feels like we're changing the most. We're trying to find a good middle ground in our friendship while working on ourselves and it's become so overwhelming that we've found ourselves lost and angry at the world.

We're just two empty souls wandering around.

Things got tense between us B. I was frustrated at you for not putting in as much effort and you would get upset I would put in too much effort. It was a vicious cycle of trying too much or not enough over and over again.

The day you decided to cut ties is the day I feel like we both gave up. You wanted the cycle to stop and I had no one to keep giving my effort too, it all stopped suddenly.

We were both going through a rough time. You were going through stuff and I was grieving and wanted someone to be there for me but you couldn't and that made things more tense.

I admit we were both at fault. I had said and done things sometimes that I didn't mean the next day or regretted. There were times I would get so angry for no reason at you and that would start a fight but I've learned to deal with that behavior. There were also times recently, because of the grieving and being the only one putting in effort, I would put the blame all on you.

And then you would do things that you were at fault for. You'd block me for grieving instead of just telling me you couldn't handle the emotions at that moment. You'd make it feel as if the work I would do wasn't good when I looked for some kind of support for it, and when we talked it felt as if it was forced.

But B, I forgive you. I know things have been hard and I don't know what you were going through and sometimes I would forget that you also had problems and demons to deal with, and I'm sorry for that. I hope things are getting better for you and those problems are a little easier for you.

You told me recently that I've ruined a lot of your memories. That it's my fault they're bad and I'm extremely sorry. Maybe you'll scoff at that and think I'm lying but I am sorry whether you believe me or not. We were supposed to be best friends and I'm sorry it was such a bad time for you to be friends with me, that was never the intention. Sure, we've had rough times but I don't think 90% of our time together was bad but I'm very sorry if I made you feel that way.

I'm honestly sorry about it. You're a great person and the last thing I ever wanted was for you to feel like that. That's why this is even hard for me to write right now, because I'm extremely nervous that this will possibly ruin another nice moment you might be having.

You said you've gone down the wrong path, I don't think so. You've just grown and became who you are now. The person you are now is amazing and so cool in so many different ways that I couldn't even fit it in this one chapter.

You said you don't want to try and change things and that I'll just put in more effort than I'll get and honestly, that's okay. Sometimes that's what friends are for, it's not always toxic. Being there for someone who doesn't feel good mentally is an example. If that person can't put in all their effort because they're just so exhausted and mentally drained, that's okay. A friend is supposed to be there to put in the extra effort for them and be there through it with them.

I won't be disappointed if you don't put in the effort because I understand. It's hard for you but things will and hopefully are getting better to where you can start putting in little bits of effort.

You won't always be okay or have the mental strength to put in effort and that's okay. People understand.

No matter what happens, you'll always be a big part of my life. I'll always be there if you need someone to talk to or vent too and I'm always going to support you. You might in the end consider me a bad friend but I think you were and are an amazing friend even through everything.

I forgive you for everything you've done and I really hope you end up forgiving me because we're only human. We make mistakes and learn from them, and that's what I try my hardest to do everyday. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's not, but mistakes are only part of growing.

If you never come back to my heart, it's okay. Don't worry about me, I completely understand your reasons and I fully respect them.

And if you one day decide you want to try again. That you want to try and change things and make them normal once again, then I'm always here to do that because that would be nice to have our souls intertwined again, because right now my soul is just a little lost without you.

I'm always here for you B and I'm always going to support you whether I'm in your life or not.

I hope you're doing better and handling your problems easily, I know it can be hard.

I love you and I'll always love you.

(Hey B, if you're reading this just know I love you. And I miss you. I hope one day, eventually, you'll find your way back and if you do, I'll greet you with a smile.)