❝i feel so empty and worn-out these days. like life itself has taken so much from me, and i am to fill every hole in people around me. and i am at a point where i feel like i have nothing to give, to offer anymore.❞
a story about the smallest moment...
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"Don't beg anyone to stay, let them go."
But what if you can't?
People always tell you to let someone go, that it's bad for your health. And maybe they're right, maybe it is bad for you and will just be worse later on. But what if you don't want to let them go?
They tell you to open the door for people and if they leave then let them. But what if the door is closed shut? What if it's broken and can't be opened so then you're stuck in a room with that person? What if you're worried that if you let them leave and you close the door behind them, that you'll be left in a pitch black room? Because surprise, they were the only light you had.
Everyone always says the phrase like it's something you can do easy. That you can just easily throw someone away and forget they even existed, but unfortunately I can't do that and it's more like I'd have to physically tear someone away from me to do it and even then the whole time I'll still feel like they'll be there.
Between my anxiety and my personality, the phrase "don't beg anyone to stay" is probably the worst tip to follow. No matter how much I don't want to it always comes back to me begging people to stay even if it is really for the worst.
Maybe that person won't ever respect me, maybe I'll regret it in the future, and maybe it's the sign of a one-sided relationship. I know all of this, I know how bad it'll get begging someone to stay and I know I can't ever make that person love me as much as I love them.
I know, I know. I just can't listen to that advice.
I can't leave someone I love so so much. They have to leave me, I can't do it myself. Otherwise, I'll hang onto their heart tight and love them with all I have while they stand there dazed and confused with a dim soul.
I'm not a selfish person, I just never was it's not my personality. I'm so selfless all my friends know it and sometimes they use it against me, I'm not stupid I know they do. Yet, I keep forgiving them, keep going back because I give them too many chances. They start off with two chances and end with twenty not because they cheated the game but because I felt so bad I gifted them my own chances.
I'm not dumb I'm selfless there's a difference. I know what I'm doing is toxic for myself but my heart was made to give love to others not myself. When someone takes advantage of how giving I am I don't do anything but feel happy for them because at least I gave them that strength and confidence to do it. I did what I wanted and I'd keep doing it.
People tell me to stop and you know what? No. I can't stop because that's who I am. It's not just a mental state it's my person and my soul and all other parts of me. I can't change that and even if I could, I wouldn't want too because if I'm not as nice then who am I?
The reason I mention being selfless is because it ties into not being able to hold the door open. If you hold open the door for someone to leave it feels like you're not giving them those twenty chances to change or redeem themselves. It feels more like you're kicking that person out to me and telling them if they have too, they can live on the streets.
If I keep the door closed, I can still give them chances. I can still try to fix things without them leaving my life for good.
In my head the door has thousands of rusty locks that take time to try and get unlocked. Maybe if I really am ready to stop being my person I can get the oil in the corner of the room and unlock all the locks in a few minutes, but I'm not ready to stop so that oil will stay sitting in the corner till I'm ready.
Here's an idea. Take that oil and open the locks, then open the door. If that person walks out, offer to walk them to their car and then take that chance to have a talk about what happens next. Is it the best idea to leave each other? Or maybe just give each other space for a while.
If they decide to stay, invite them back inside and walk them back inside. Comfort them and try to fix the problems that caused this. If they decide to leave, watch them walk away and let them know that no matter what you'll be there if they decide to come back.
If you're like me, maybe you haven't exactly learned this yet and that's okay. One day you can learn this and unlock all those locks. One day you'll wake up and realize it's okay to support them if they decide to leave, it's not being mean it's giving them one big chance to fix themselves instead of tiny little chances to stay with you.
One day you and I will learn this. But right now, I haven't and you possibly haven't either. And that's okay. Follow time wherever it goes and it'll help you learn this. Time will help you to learn this no matter how fast or slow time decides to go.
(You don't have to hold the door open for someone to leave. Instead, walk the person outside and aid them in their decision. Maybe they decide to be selfish and choose only what they think is best for them, and that's okay. Support them regardless because after all, you two were close once upon a time ago.)
