feelings

december 3rd

-- December 3rd --

Writings weird. I haven't written in a while and it makes me nervous but I'm doing it anyway. It's been some odd months now like what, 5? and if I'm being honest I miss her like hell. I miss her stupid humor, her ideas that were so stupid they were amazing, her idiot games that were actually fun. I miss everything about her. My whole world revolved around her and T and no one else, and half of my world is gone without her. I'm missing my other half of the world, I want my world complete again. I don't even ask to be super close anymore, I just want to know I can at least talk to B even for a minute of the day.

I feel like a failure because I've done so much yet it's still not enough. I've apologized, showed I still care about her, and I still remember her for everything but I can't change anything and it's painful because of how much I still care for her.

I hate holding onto the little bit of hope I have every day that I'll get a text back from her. I hate how it's been five fucking months of me missing her, why can't I move on? Five months of nothing for this, more tears. I just don't want to face that my life would be without her because in my mind she's still such a big part of it.

Every day I want to know how B's doing. Is she okay? Did something happen? Did she get hurt? But I can't ask these things. It's not my place but it'll never stop me from wanting to know. I don't want to grow apart, I want our friendship to get better and stronger but maybe I'm too optimistic.

I wonder if she ever thinks of me. I wonder if she thinks about our friendship, probably not. I've told her I'm not mad. I still love her, I still care for her, but I don't know what else to do.

I have a slight fear of being friends again but I can never focus on that feeling. I just know that I'm scared that things will be too different and I'll still crave for the BI know when it won't be the B I know. I know she's changed so much but I'll never hate her, I'll always want to be her friend even though all the change is scary.

I just want to get over this. I'm tired of feeling like a burden to T and feeling like I make her day worse because I can't get over it. I love T so much and she shouldn't be apart of this drama because this isn't her drama, its' mine and B's, but I can't talk to B so I talk to T about it and it's not right.

Five months is too long but I'm still stuck on it. I'm crying right now because of how stupid this is.

I'm trying to move on, I really am and everyday I feel like I have. I'm hanging out with friends, getting ready for college, working out, but then the minute I get to relax it hits me and I start again. I don't know if I'll ever fully move on and I'm scared of that because I want to be happy without her but I can't.

I just want this thing to end.