feelings

hey, how's it going? long time no see.

This is the first time in a while I'm writing. I just have a lot on my mind y'know? Things have been tough. My heart has been hurting for a while because I miss my best friends. T and B are always gonna be my best friends to me, there's not much that can change that.

I've been really missing T even though us not talking is more my fault. I'm terrified to ask if we can talk again because I don't want to hear that she's happier without me, although she's probably enjoying the break from the drama. Every day, I just want to run to T or B and just talk about what's happening in my life, what's new, what's going wrong, etc. but I don't think it's my place. I keep wanting to just run to them and say "hi" or tell them how much they mean to me because they're my worlds, they're basically my everything so being without that has been hard.

Today was the first day I felt genuine anger towards B. She's just ignoring six years of memories, laughter, tears, friendship, and trying to replace me with someone else. I realized this and felt mad. Angry. I wanted to do something mean to get back at her, but I stopped and realized that it's not right. B deserves to be happy with or without me, so I let it go. She deserves to be laughing and smiling and enjoying the things she loves even if that means hurting me a little bit.

Getting off the topic of B because I talk about her too much, I wanna talk about T. There's so much to talk about her I don't know where to start. I've been missing her like hell. I've been missing her stupid memes that made me laugh, her trying her best to help me through my issues even though, her being there for me anyway, even if I was acting like an ass because mental breakdowns are just so much fun (hah).

I can barely write without her, even writing this is hard enough, because she's always been my motivation to write. She's the reason I want to be a writer. I've been missing writing together, doing prompts while writing or whatever, watching anime, and even hearing her music every now and again. I've just been missing being around T and hanging out and there's not much else behind it besides the fact that I miss her company and presence and her personality like hell.

I think I've texted T more in the over a week we haven't texted than I have in the six months of me and B not speaking. I've sent her probably way too many messages, it's probably more than we've actually texted in the last couple months. That's how much I've been dying to talk to T.

But at the end of the day, I have this feeling that she's doing better without me around. I have this suspicion that maybe her mental health and everything else is doing better without me around, and that's all I want for her. It's been hurting like hell but as long as she is happy, then I'm happy and I can cheer her on from the sidelines.

None of this is as aesthetic as I have my other chapters, but I don't really have the energy to make it aesthetic. I barely know what I'm writing, I'm just letting the words flow. I try to make there some sort of meaning behind what I write, but in all honestly, there's nothing behind this besides just, make sure you tell your friends you love them and care for them. Okay? You never know what could happen or how they're feeling.

(And if by the off chance T or B is reading this. Hello! How are you guys doing? Have you guys been taking care of yourselves? You guys are loved and appreciated always. My DMs are always open if either of you needs to talk or want to reach out, you guys are never blocked. I'm always here to listen, I care for you guys. And if you haven't heard it today, I'm proud of you both, keep it up! I'll see you guys around.)

It's also 2am right now so I'm ending this here. I should *try* to sleep at some point. Hopefully, I'll write more. One day I will.