Petrify

angel

     How come my mind still wanders straight right back to your memories? You're all I can think about in between and beyond everything that I do. Even in my strangest dreams, I see you. You used to always say you're an angel. Hell yeah, you're an angel, alright. You're an angel who brought me to heaven, dropped me there, and left to pick up some more foolish mortals. Now I don't even know what happiness feels like or what it actually means. Sure, I was in heaven but can you still call it that if the only person you want to be with isn't there?

     The only thing I realized is that heaven is definitely a place, and nope not that one with the bearded guy in white who you are all depicting as Caucasian when your history says he's from Asia. Heaven is any place near you—with you. I even think it's embedded within your whole structure. Heaven is in your eyes when you start scrutinizing me for telling how good you look because you always feel like I'm lying or making fun of you. Heaven is with those clammy and slightly calloused hands when you're holding on to my right arm while we're crossing the street. Heaven is with your lips, like when you unconsciously bite your lower lip when you're thinking of something serious or when you kiss me so fiercely like the air you're breathing isn't enough that you have to take mine too. The way those lips linger so closely to my lips, foreheads touching, eyes closed, and the air we're exhaling meeting at some point. You're breathing so heavily as if you're not sure whether to kiss me again or dare to break the connection by speaking. And goddamn that voice when you say my name like no one ever does. I mean it's just a fucking name but whenever I hear it from you? I feel like I can do everything, you know? It's all so crazy but fuck, you really messed up the whole idea of heaven for me. I worshipped you. I worshipped every inch of you, every flaw, every fucking thing. I sacrificed every bit of my fiber for you. You got me and I know I'm not much, I'm not all wonderful, and shit but I was willing to give you the world—fuck that, I was willing to give you the entire universe in all its glory together with all the other parallel universes that could ever exist.

     Maybe all that I can remember about you or us is good. We were hella solid. There were no time for us to argue or spend just a second for unnecessary dramas. Everything that we did, every moment that we spent together? They were all perfect. It was like the greatest movie of all time with a one hundred percent rating in Rotten Tomatoes or a ten out of ten in all movie review sites. Maybe that was it. It was all magnificent, flawless, and shit that's why I'm having a hard time moving on from you. We're all suckers for perfection and angel, you just set the bar so high I don't think anyone could ever be on par with you. It will always and always be you.

     I've been replaying all our memories together. Dissecting every second with you, searching for whatever the fuck it was that set you off. Where did I screw up, what bullshit did I say, when did I make you feel like less than a queen, and how could I possibly ruin this one and only thing that was keeping my shit altogether? I have so many unanswered questions but I'm pretty sure that we were happy. I tried so hard to get you to talk to me but you keep on dismissing me with a classic, "There's nothing to talk about." Then you would show me that smile that you wore the very first time we met, when we got together, and when you said it's enough. You'd walk away waving your hand signaling goodbye and there was nothing I could do but to watch you leave. That shit ripped my heart out. I mean it was already out and you've been walking all over it since you broke us up but the pain is still here, living and growing where my heart used to reside.

     You know what? Fuck you—but fuck me most especially because no matter how hardly you stepped on my heart I know to myself that I'm still willing to glue all the broken pieces back together, give it to you, and let you trample it all over again. I'd make a fucking pathway for you using every bit of myself left. That's how much I love you and probably how much stupid I did become for you. Fuck you... I still fucking love you.