When Helping Becomes Painful | A Sanders Sides Story

Chapter 2

Art by iraeim on DA

The Next Day

Virgil's POV

I'm sitting in my room, staring at my mug containing my daily coffee. I'm lost in my thoughts. I'm thinking about my job. It seems that it's becoming harder and harder each day. When I first started taking Thomas' anxiety, back around the time that we filmed Fitting In, it wasn't such a drudgery. Thomas was only nervous about little things, like if the fanders would like the new video or if he should or not talk to a cute guy. The first time, I took his anxiety because I was pitying him. The poor guy was obsessed with something so simple, it was preventing him from doing anything. And when he discovered I could do that... Oh boy ! He started asking me again and again to take his worries away.

I take a sip of my coffee, still lost in my thoughts.

I feel like, since that day, Thomas hasn't really tried to manage his stress. It's like he doesn't care anymore, he doesn't have to learn to live with it, he knows he just has to wait until I come and take it away from him. That would explain why it's becoming harder and harder for me. If he doesn't try to calm himself before I come, then I have to absorb all of its intensity. 

I stare blankly at the wall in front of me.

Am I doing the right thing ? If I'm correct, then Thomas is running from his responsibilities. What if something happened to me and I couldn't take his anxiety anymore? What would he do? He hasn't had to deal with his anxiety for so long, he would surely be destroyed. But it's not like I plan on going anytime soon anyway, so why worry about it?

A high pitch sound suddenly makes me leave my thoughts. Ah shit, here we go again. Can't I have one free day?! I leave my coffee on my desk and snap my fingers to appear in Thomas' living room. This time, he's not alone. The three other sides are here too, and they seem to be struggling with keeping Thomas calm.

- Thomas ! Thomas ! Slow down ! Please ! Take deep breaths !

Patton is sitting on his knees in front of a panicked Thomas, who is curled up on himself, his hands on his head, hyperventilating. The two others are looking at them, on the edge of panicking themselves. They don't seem to know what to do.

- I don't understand, Logan says, the usual breathing exercises don't seem to work anymore !

Roman suddenly sees me. He approaches me quickly and throw his arms in the air.

- Virgil ! You gotta help us ! We don't know what to do anymore !

I sigh and go next to Patton. I put a hand on his shoulder to catch his attention. He looks at me and understands that I'll take it from there. He gets up and go next Logan, who decides to give him a hug to comfort him. 

- Thomas, I whisper, it's me Virgil... Is it okay if I touch you?

Thomas suddenly notices my presence and nods quickly. I put my left hand on his shoulder and my right hand on his head. They start glowing purple and Thomas' anxiety goes through my arms, once again. It only took one minute, and Thomas is on his feet again, resplendent with joy. Patton throws himself into Thomas' arms, very happy to see that Thomas is okay. I also get up, hiding my shaking hands in my hoodie as Logan approaches me with a proud smile. He puts his hand on my shoulder.

- Great job Virgil, continue like that.

I shyly smile back at him and snap my fingers to appear in my room again. If only there wasn't an aftermath.

***

Hours later, after my panic attack, I'm still asking myself if this is the right thing to do. I'm kinda putting my mental health on the line by choosing to have so many panic attacks. After each time, I'm feeling weaker and weaker. It's never a pleasant experience. My mind is starting to go in dark places. I've started to think about harming myself to ease the pain. I know, it's dumb said like this, but I don't know. Physical scars heal so much easier than psychological pain. Maybe it would be... Wait, no no no no no! What am I thinking?! I'm not really considering it, am i?! That's messed up ! I'm not fine, I'm definitely not fine ! I should talk about this with someone, I believe it would be much more helpful than... whatever that is. 

I open my room's door and head toward Patton's room. If someone here knows what is right and wrong, it surely is Morality. I raise my arm to knock on his room, but then stop myself. I hesitate one moment, take a deep breath and knock on Patton's door. It doesn't take long before I see a cheerful Patton in the door frame.

- Virgil! What a surprise! Paying your old man a visit?

I giggle nervously and ask him if I could talk with him. He seemed a little bit worried, but he accepted. I entered his room and sat on his bed. After closing the door behind me, he sat next to me and asked me what's up. Again, I take a deep breath and decide to explain to him my dilemma.

- You know, how earlier today I... helped Thomas with his panic attack?

He nods, stating again that he's very proud of me for being so nice to Thomas. I nervously start playing with my sleeves.

- I know that I'm helping Thomas a lot... but I have a problem with... that...

He looks at me, confused. 

- Whenever I... do this trick my hands... I don't just erase his anxiety, like you all seem to think... I take it... Which means that... I have to go through a lot of pain... each time... and...

I take a moment to collect my thoughts. The confusion is Patton's eyes is now replaced with worries.

- ...and... I don't know if this the right thing to do... Like, should I put Thomas' well being before mine, no matter what ?

Patton looks at me and puts his hands on mine, making me stop playing with my sleeves. He has a serious face, something I don't see very often.

- Virgil... I know it can be hard sometimes, but a good side always puts Thomas' well being before theirs. That's what distinguish us, from them.

He pauses a moment.

- I understand that you were once one of them, but look at you now ! You're doing so wonderfully ! You're helping Thomas with his anxiety instead of feeding it like you used to ! You're doing what is right. Why thinking you shouldn't be doing that?

I feel something break inside me. Is he... deprecating how I feel? That I shouldn't feel like this? That I should be happy instead? Then... does that mean that I'm my own problem? That I'm wrong? A storm of thoughts starts going in my head, I'm not even listening to Patton anymore. I suddenly get up, shaking a little bit, and I head for the door. I stop before exiting.

- You know, Patton, I say without even looking at him, you're right. I shouldn't doubt what I'm doing... I'm doing the right thing... the right thing... right...

I head for my room. He's Thomas' morality, he can't be wrong, can he?

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