Breathe Again

Chapter 36

Dottie moved the quilt aside and watched him. "Where are you going?"

"It doesn't matter." Sterling glanced at her as he approached the stairs. The stricken look in her eyes brought him to a halt. He ground his teeth and fought against the urge to go to her, "You want to know what I saw out there?"

Dottie swallowed and nodded.

Sterling gripped the railing, hoping it would give him the strength he needed to be able to say what he must. "It's all gone, Dot. My house and barn..." He shook his head and stared down at the floor. "We both should have died last night. There's no way we should be standing here this morning. The extent of damage done to the area we were in proves that." He held her gaze and said, "More importantly, you would never have been there if it wasn't for me."

Dottie rolled her eyes and walked to him, shaking her head, "We already went over that, Hawk. It is not your fault that I was there...you didn't force me to ride out after you. I was the one who decided to go."

"Well, it was a stupid thing for you to do," Sterling growled. He descended the first few stairs, "That's why this has to end now before you get hurt or killed."

Dottie ran after him and shouted, "What do you mean?"

"This—whatever this is—it can't continue. If things had been the way they were before, you never would have gone after me. You would have seen me ride by...and that would have been the end of it. You would have been safe."

She followed close behind him.

He needed to leave as quickly as possible before he gave in to his heart, begging him to stay. He hurried to Fancy and gave her an affectionate pat on the neck when he entered her stall.

"You don't mean that," Dottie scoffed. Watching him in growing agitation, she insisted, "You don't mean that, Hawk."

Letting out a pent up breath, he closed his eyes and said softly, "I'm everything wrong in your life, Dottie. I've done nothing but cause you pain. It's time I accepted you're better off without me." He set his satchel down and crossed over to where his saddle and gear rested on the hay-strewn floor.

He should never have taken it off. This scene would not be happening; or at the very least, it would end a hell of a lot quicker if he was able to mount up and simply leave. He should have known coming back here would be a mistake as soon as he saw the destruction in the mountains.

Dottie clutched her hands at her middle. He couldn't possibly be saying what she thought he was saying—could he? Her body grew numb as she whispered, "What are you saying?"

Sterling tensed. He forced himself not to look at her, focusing instead on settling the blanket and saddle on Fancy's back. Reaching under to grab the belly cinch, he muttered, "I'm saying," he swallowed and took a deep breath before finally being able to get the rest of his words out, "I will do anything in my power to keep you safe, even if that means keeping you away from me."

The blood drained from her face. Sterling was leaving her. He didn't love her after all; Ashfield had been wrong. "What about what you told Ashfield?" she blurted out, wanting to shout at him until her throat was sore.

He stopped and turned to face her. His heart raced. It wasn't possible she'd heard their conversation, was it? He frowned, "What?"

'Now I've done it,' she inwardly groaned. Twisting her hands to stop from fidgeting with her robe, she glanced down to the end of the barn. Her mother watched them with worried eyes. Dottie shook her head and tried to give a comforting smile. "It's alright, Mama, we're just talking."

Louisa gave a small nod and returned to making breakfast, but she clearly knew something was wrong between them.

Dottie stepped closer to Sterling and stammered, "Last week, a-at the house-raising..."

Sterling found himself swallowing bile. She knew everything he'd told Ashfield in confidence—he never meant for her to find out that way. "What did you hear?"

She raised her hands and took a step back. The justification for her actions was feeble at best. "In my defense, I'd just put Elliot down for a nap and was coming down the stairs when I heard you and Ashfield talking."

Anger darkened his eyes. She should have made her presence known the first chance she got and left as soon as she heard them enter, or returned to the loft and sat with Elliot until she knew they were gone.

"WHAT DID YOU HEAR?" he barked, unable to hide the note of panic in his voice.

At the hard edge to his tone, her body tensed. Dottie swallowed and squared her shoulders, admitting, "Everything-"

"You accuse me of acting childish and eavesdropping, and yet you admit to doing it yourself?" His fingers curled into tight fists. He was mad—in fact, he couldn't remember a time when he'd been more furious.

He waited for her to answer, ignoring the tiny voice whispering the only reason he was upset was due to the fact he'd unknowingly laid his soul bare before her, and now he was vulnerable.

She'd never seen him so mad before. Even when he'd clearly been mad the day at the mill before her wedding, paled in comparison to the fury blazing in his eyes.

The situation was quickly spiraling out of control. Dottie stepped forward and quietly pleaded, "I didn't mean to listen. I was going to let you know I was there, but you started talking about us before the war, and then Ashfield asked if I knew you loved me and were still in love with me..."

He rubbed a hand over his eyes and gritted his teeth. Damn Ashfield and his meddling ways. Why had he given in and unburdened his heart to the nosey man? He should have used more care in speaking. The thought of Dottie tending to Elliot above had never even crossed his mind at the time.

If it had, he never would have—sudden understanding dawned on him. That was why she'd allowed him to get close and kiss her. She'd known.

All those nights he'd stayed awake, wondering what had changed so suddenly between them, what made her no longer avoid him or try to keep herself at her normal distance? He was a fool to have hoped forgiveness overcame her; that they'd suddenly moved beyond it all.

He turned back to Fancy with a determined glint in his eye and growled, "It doesn't change anything."