Someone To Watch Over Me

Chapter Thirty-Three

As the hot water washes over me, Alex holds me close, and my tears flow freely. Despite all the various emotions clashing inside of me, I honestly just feel numb. I wish I could get back Alex's magical healing powers to make me feel better, no matter how bad the situation, but now he's become part of the problem.

I don't doubt that Alex loves me. Since he is currently sitting in a shower barefoot but otherwise fully clothed, holding me. He obviously loves me, but so does Liam, and so does my dad. I have these men in my life who love me, but don't get or don't understand how to love me.

Maybe I am the problem? Maybe I expect too much? I want someone who loves me for me. Not for what I can accomplish, not for what I can do for them, not because I fill some void in their lives, but because I am me and I deserve love.

I deserve love, damn it!

I reach up to shut off the water and Alex lets me go. I love them all. Repeatedly, given them whatever they may want, but I am not enough, my love just isn't enough. I stand up and step out of the shower. I don't wait for Alex, who has to contend with the fact that he's now sopping wet. I wrap a towel around myself and walk out of the bathroom.

By the time he joins me, I'm in my nightgown, curled up in bed with my bear and tiger. My eyes are closed. I hope and pray Alex will believe I have fallen asleep and just leave me be.

I hear him shuffle around for some clothes. I hear him over at his side of the bed, but he doesn't get in. Instead, he comes over to my side of the bed. He tucks my hair behind my ear and gently kisses my forehead. 

"I'm so sorry, Cat," he whispers, and then to my surprise, I catch the sound of the bedroom door opening and then closing.

I turn over and see he took his pillow. He's chosen to sleep on the sofa bed tonight. Part of me is relieved because I'm still mad at him for breaking my heart, but there is also a part of me that wants him here, already missing his warmth and his touch. I feel so alone.

Maybe that's my problem in a nutshell. I've never been alone. I lived with my parents until I moved here with Liam to attend college. Liam and I break up, and I move in with Alex. I never was alone, ever. I hug my animals a little tighter, thinking maybe it's time I tried.

I want to be ready for this baby. My focus needs to shift my health and the baby's needs to be my priority. I have to stop depending on others to take care of me. I'm a single mom, and it's time I decide on exactly what that means to me.

I get an hour or two of sleep, possibly before I'm woken up by a horrific scream. I leap out of bed and go running into the other room. Alex appears to be literally wrestling his demons this time. He's thrashing so much in bed, mumbling to himself, that I don't dare go near him for fear of getting caught in the fray.

"ALEX!" I yell, but it's not enough. He really isn't going like this, but I have no choice. I grab a glass, half-filling it with cold water. I rush back and splash him with it. He gasps, sitting up immediately in bed. He's panting hard, and once again the telltale tears are coursing down his face.

I put the cup down as I grab the dishtowel and hand it to him. "You were dreaming again."

He takes the towel and dries off. "Sorry I woke you. Why am I so... wet?"

"Sorry, you were thrashing about too much for me to get close enough to wake you. Splashing you with some water seemed safer."

He wipes off his face and chest. "Thank you," he replies.

"Thank you for throwing water in your face?" I ask, trying to add a little levity to the situation.

He tries to smile, but I can tell the images of what was going on in his dream are still replaying in his mind. They have a way of contorting his features into a man who looks both lost and in pain. It tears at my heart to see him this way.