Boyfriend

Chapter 17

Sisterly Advice

"You can kid the world but not your sister." - Charlotte Gray

I knew the exact second when the digital lines quickly moved from 5:59 A.M. to 6:00 A.M, just like I had watched it change each previous hour throughout the night. Surprise, surprise, I could not sleep. I was not deluded enough to think that insomnia was cool. That was just propaganda promoted by coffee enthusiasts. Insomnia was dreadful.

My tiredness had surpassed simple bodily fatigue. It was no longer just my limbs or my brain that felt tired. It was every nerve ending in my body, as though my synapses were not firing at the rate they should; a simple task was an ordeal. The worst pain was in my chest. Every heart beat took a Herculean effort. My lungs ached with each breath as I forced myself to continue existing. I felt like Atlas as I attempted to hold the world above my shoulders. I just wanted to drop it and end the agony.

I forced the blankets up to my chin and pulled my knees into fetal position. I closed my eyes as tight as I could make them and tried to escape the persistent, glowing light of the clock. Yet, sleep would not come. Defeated, I pried my eyes open. The neon green numbers were still glowing in the darkness, mocking me. I groaned as I glimpsed them once more. Why was time moving so slowly? I did not want this wretchedness to be prolonged. I hated how happy things flew by and misery took forever. I did not need any more time to think about what I had done to J-to him.

The guilt and pain began to swell inside of me once more, and I clenched my fingers harder against my blanket. The jersey I had grown so fond of was lying beside me, a darker scarlet color than normal from the crying jag I had been unable to avoid. I resented and cherished the shirt simultaneously. It felt like my lifeline, but it did not even have the decency to smell the way it should. I gripped it against my nose and felt revulsion when I could only smell my own scent on the fabric.

My entire body felt numb. I felt as though I was trapped in some stranger's body. Those were not my feeble legs that shook and spasmed, and my arms had never felt so much like rubber before. I was empty. No, it was worse. I was missing. When people felt empty, they did not know what they were lacking. Perhaps they did not have what they are looking for or had yet to discover what they needed from life. They never had the opportunity to find out what was lacking from their life.

I, however, knew exactly what I needed. I knew what I was looking for. I knew, and I had forced it away. I was missing. I was lacking. A hole had been ripped from the center of my chest, and I had nothing left with which to fill the cavernous hole that remained.

The digital lines adjusted once more. It was now 6:01 A.M.

I rolled over to face the window. Two weeks ago, Petunia and I had gazed out of that window to find a messy-haired boy waiting for me. Stifling a sob, I pulled my knees even closer into my chest as I attempted to hold myself together.

The sun did not rise for another twenty minutes. The light hurt my dry, red eyes, but I could not bear the sight of the clock any longer. Instead, I just stared out the window, as I waited for him to come back, though I knew he would not. I had seen to that. The knowledge of that fact made my bones feel like they were breaking as every breath I took rattled my tired lungs.

I lay in bed and waited but nothing could ease the dull, aching pain.

Later, I could hear rustling outside my bedroom door that preceded doors opening and closing, sluggish footsteps, and muffled grumbling. Three sets of feet went down the stairs and never returned. They easily began their morning like it was just another day, any old Tuesday. Not one came in to check on me. They probably presumed I was still sleeping. Figures that the one time they respected my privacy I would be wallowing in bed like a pathetic invertebrate.