A Siren's Sorrow

9

It's colder than I thought it would be. I tug my sweater around myself even more to hide myself from the breeze. Emma seems to notice and grabs my trembling hand in support. "You okay?" She questions with gentle gestures.

I nod and continue on. My focus locks on my feet as they crush dried leaves beneath them. Tombstones pass by as I lead us to the people who meant so much to me. This will be my first time visiting them here, but I still know where to go.

Theta used to write letters all the time about her life as time went by. She told me everything about her life, even if she knew I could rarely reply. It was like a sliver of a normal life amidst the supernatural chaos of running, searching, and cleansing. I remember almost everything she wrote to me, even where she was going to be buried as she got close to the end.

The large stone seems to stand out against the sea of monuments. It's like a magnet in my chest telling me where to go. I don't even think about it as I stop and kneel down in the damp grass. The dew soaks through my jeans and dampens my fingertips as I trace the outlines of the names. Theta Anders Lancer and Oliver Martin Lancer.

"I still can't believe she married Ollie." I softly tell Emma. "They always seemed close, but it was still a surprise when she told me about it. She told me Ollie picked the club back up a few years after everything happened; it was his life. Just like performing was hers. Five years later, they got married and started a whole new life together." My hands drop as I meekly sign, "I just wish that could have been me too—with Tommy."

Emma rests a hand on my shoulder. "It will be you one day. We're all going to get that one day." Her green eyes shine with that glimmer of reckless hope that I lost long ago—or maybe never had in the first place. It almost hurts to see it in her and know how long she may have to wait or that it may drain from her over time. "Did you wanna say anything to her?"

I nod and press my palm against the cold stone. The words don't need to be spoken or signed. I'm sure she would know everything I plan to say, but she would still let me speak for my own peace.

"Hey, Theta—and Ollie. I'm sorry I never got to be there for everything, but like you told me, leaving was something I needed to do. Things are different now, but in a way, they're better. I have a family—a proper one, and a new way of singing. It's not the same, but it's something. You would be so proud of me, Theta."

I sigh and bite my lip as I continue. "That's not why I came though. I came to say goodbye. You were always such a huge part of my life, but I think it's time to let other people in—to start trying to make a real life over again. I'll always miss you, dear friends."

Emma takes my hand and squeezes it tightly. "I'm really proud of you, Ellie. Is there anyone else you wanted to visit?"

"Not today." I tell her. My stomach is already churning with nausea at the small interaction with my old life. "I think that's enough for a while. Right now, I just wanna go home."

We walk back to the apartment in a somber silence. It's almost peaceful despite the lingering emotions. There's an eerie calm around us, and I relish in every second of it. Except, it falters when I glance up and read an all too familiar name—Henry Carter.

I stop dead in my tracks as I stare at his gravestone—Pop's gravestone.

Emma looks back to me as I fall to the ground with teary eyes. "Henry Carter, beloved husband and father." It's the first time we'll have been this close since a few days before I joined the Sirens. Theta told me he passed a while after that, but according to the date, he died about three months after that.

I never knew that. All I had known was that he handed down his shares in the company to me after he passed, which practically made me an heiress with so much money that I was able to take care for and hide the Sirens even now. A grand fortune and a letter with an apology for everything that happened.

My fingers shake as I tentatively reach out to trace the dates of his life. I don't have a speech for this encounter—because I never expected for it to happen. It's been over ninety years, and I still feel like the small, scared girl I was when he talked to himself in the middle of the night.

It feels like Madame Vitario destroying me all over again. There was so much that we never got to talk about. He spent every day after that night trying to apologize and make it up to me. Even when he passed, there was a long letter that he wrote with one last attempt to explain his remorse for his actions.

I can only think of one thing that I could ever say to him that needs to be said. My lips mouth the words with no sound, but it's enough. "I forgive you."

I push myself up to my feet and wipe the tears away as we leave the cemetery without any hesitation.

In a way, the weight on my shoulders doesn't feel as strong as before, but there's still so much more I have to deal with. I keep my eyes focused on the pavement as it passes by beneath my feet. Perhaps saying what I've came to fifty years ago to my Pop's gravestone was better than just saying goodbye to my old friends.

Of course, there's one other person I'm still holding onto, but that particular bit of healing is something I'm not going to be ready for anytime soon.

For now, I focus on the tug in my chest, which feels so much stronger with the lessened haze of my past. It's a strange feeling, like a beehive just behind my sternum and helium in my bones lifting me up.

Perhaps this is better than what I had planned. Maybe letting go of the pain and anger I held against my dad is exactly what I needed. Just the simple, unspoken apology lessens the tight grip of pain and remorse around my heart to the point where I feel like I can breathe again.

Emma seems to notice the change, and she offers me a proud, beaming smile as we walk back to the apartment. "I'm really proud of you. I can only imagine how hard that must have been." Her eyes perk up as she spots something ahead of us. "In fact, how about we go celebrate?"

"Thank you, and I won't turn down a chance for time with my sister." I tell her and loop our arms together. A smile tugs at the corners of my lips as we walk along, but it fades as the tugging in my chest feels like my heart is about to be drawn through my sternum.

I untangle my arm from Emma's and look around to see if I can find any reason for the change. My eyes search every face, every inch of my surroundings in the hopes of having the slightest extra tug. Except, the longer I focus, the more I realize it's a compass.

My feet move on their own accord, completely under the impulse of something I don't understand. All I know is that it's important, it's bright and shimmering in a way that makes my head dizzy with glee. I can hear Emma following me, but I can't slow down, not just yet.

Then, as suddenly as it came, it fades.

It takes me a moment to process what just happened, but when the haze fades, all I'm left with is confusion and a chattering café. "What just happened?" Emma questions as she struggles for breath.

"I think—I think I'm gonna get a job here," I tell her as I point to a sign posted in the window. "Something drew me here, and I think I'm gonna follow it."

She nods absentmindedly as we walk inside. The smell of coffee and fresh baked pastries fill my nose. I let out a heavy breath. A wave of nostalgia rushes over me, but its origins are unclear. All I can think of is that it feels as comforting as I remember the Starlight to be, which only confirms my suspicions. I need to be here.

I walk up to the counter with my phone in hand, ready to communicate without sign language. The boy behind smiles up at me, which I easily return. "Hi, I'd to apply for a position here."

His smile falters at the robotic voice that echoes from my phone speakers, but like most people, he's quick to cover with a wider smile and an extra peppy voice. "Sure thing, let me just go get a manager for an application form."

My heart slows down as I smile at the little café. At least if I'm wrong about this, I'll have a nice place to be and have a slice of normality. But something deep inside me says that I'm meant to be here right now.

For the first time, I feel one step closer to that glimmer of Hope.

A/N: updates will be slightly delayed while I head back and settle into college again! (Don't worry, it won't be very long, but I thought I'd give a heads up  just in case it's late.)