In Loving Memory

CHAPTER 4

Listen to "When I'm Gone" by Joey + Rory when reading this chapter for a better experience

*TRIGGER WARNING*

After Jesse was killed it took 3 months before I could come back in here again. Ever since then though, I can't stay out. I like to come here and talk to him. I like to think he's watching over me from heaven. Maybe he can hear me, you never know.

His walls are painted Pantone Blue and Bondi Blue with football and Emma Watson posters plastered onto them. Emma Watson was his celebrity crush, but he keeps her posters in the closet so no one else sees them. On the wall beside his bed is his trophy shelf. It's full of football trophies, basketball trophies, his hockey trophy from back when he was in sixth grade, and even his old lacrosse trophy. He hadn't played since he was ten. Beside that are the medal hangers I made him out of wire clothes hangers, to hold all his medals. He has four basketball ones, eight football ones, two hockey ones, and three lacrosse ones. He then has his science fair medal from when he won the science fair in eighth grade. His box of ribbons is in his closet, and he has way too many to count on two hands.

Beside his medals, is his calendar which is still set in May as nobody has bothered to change it. I'm the only person to really come in here, and like I said I don't like change. The calendar is nothing special except for the fact that May 30th is circled. That was the day we were supposed to go to the All Time Low concert. Our all-time favourite band. I wasn't really in the mood to go after he died but Sammy took me anyways.

Across from his bed in the left corner is his bookshelf. Jess loved to read when he had time. Sometimes he would even read to me. I feel a tear roll down my cheek at the memory and quickly wipe it away.

I walk over to the middle of his room and sit on his perfectly made bed. His two teddy bears on either side of his pillows. One he's had since he was born and the other I gave to him for his 5th birthday. He named it Ted. Ted went everywhere with him until he was eight or nine. He is a caramel colour with a white stomach and 'Happy Birthday Jesse' written across. I even put a recorder in it so when you hug it, it speaks. I pick the bear up and give it a squeeze. "I love you, Jesse, best big brother ever," the bear says. I can't stop them now. More tears are silently rolling down my face and I don't even bother wiping them away. I put the bear back on the bed where I found it and decide to have a little chat with my brother.

"Hey, Jess," I say looking up at the popcorn ceiling. "I know it's been a while since I talked to you last, I'm sorry about that. Just with your anniversary coming up in a few weeks it's hard." I know he can't hear me. At least I don't think he can. But it helps. "I miss you so much, I miss you reading to me, our secret handshake, you hip checking me whenever you would pass me in the halls, I miss our Thursday nights out for pizza and ice cream, I even miss you teasing me." I used to have this obsession with the Ninja Turtles, Raphael was my favourite, and Jesse used to tease me all the time because it was a 'boy thing'. Not that I cared. He teased me when I had a crush on his friend Ben Nelson, and when I got bubble gum stuck in my gorgeous brown hair and had to cut it! I hated it back then, but I miss it now.

"I know I never said this enough even though I hope you knew, but I love you, Jess. I love you and you are the best brother ever!! I would do anything to see you right now." I sob. I walk into the bathroom attached to Jesse's bedroom and grab his razor. I quickly remove the blade and close the door. I turn my wrist over and start slicing at the skin, blood racing down my arm. It feels so good. I make three more cuts, it stings a little but I don't care. I cut one more time for good measure and clean the blade off and put the razor back. I then get some toilet paper off the roll (my mom still stocks it in here thank God) and place it on my arm to stop the bleeding.

I walk out of the bathroom and into his bedroom, walking over to his closet. I open the doors and pick out a red sweater. His favourite colour. Ahhh it still smells like him! When Jesse died I begged my mom not to wash his clothes because I wanted them to smell like him. Once they lose his scent he will truly be gone forever. I'm not ready for that. I don't think I'll ever be ready. Smelling him on the sweater made him feel closer and I suddenly feel guilty for cutting my wrist.

The guilt grows stronger as someone knocks on the door. What the hell? Nobody comes in here, nobody knows I'm here!

I can't help but feel angry. This was my time with Jesse and someone just ruined it. I remember my wrist and quickly look for someplace to hide. I dive under the bed as there is more knocking.

"Alex, are.. are you in there?" somebody says from the other side. It takes me a few seconds to realize it's Sam. Is he crying? Dammit, I think he is. Sam never cries! Something must be seriously wrong, especially if he's come here. I don't think he's been in here since Jess died. Maybe I should let him find me...

I decide against it and lie quietly for a few more minutes. Suddenly the door opens and Sam walks inside. I see tears streaming down his face. "Alex? He- Hello?" he says shutting the door behind him.

He walks over to the bed and sits down, I hear it squeak under his weight and the bed shakes from his crying. I decide I need to talk to him. He is always there for me and it's time I return the favour. I pull the sleeves of the sweater down farther and crawl out from under the bed.

"I'm right here Sam. What's wrong?" I ask him, very concerned.

"ALEX! Oh, thank God!" He says pulling me into a hug.

"Sam.. um.. I can't breathe," I tell him

"Oh right sorry!" He says, letting go. "Don't know my own strength"

"It's alright. What's wrong? How did you find me?"

"Well your father started talking about his job at the zoo and I got bored, so I told him I was going to help you with your homework. When I got to your room you weren't there. I looked everywhere and couldn't find you! So I thought maybe you might have come in here after what your dad suggested..." He looks at me with those gorgeous blue eyes of his. Wet with tears, they look even more blue. I didn't know that was possible. My heart skips a beat. "I miss him too..." he admits, he blinks and a giant tear rolls down his cheek. "and, after what happened yesterday, I got worried when I couldn't find you. I don't want to lose you too Alexandria."

I give him a huge hug, he never calls me by my full name. He must be really upset. "Oh, Sammy! You won't ever lose me!" I tell him. I mean it. I've never meant something so much in my life.