The Sorrow that Happens

Small Steps

Clara's POV

I know I should be sleeping. Everyone has been in bed for hours, but today, I GOT MY FIRST KISS!!!! I can't keep the smile off my face or my fingers away from my lips. The way his lips laid softly on my own, the way his touch made butterfly's dance in my stomach keeps replaying in my mind. I have read a numberless amount of books where characters have kissed and about love and sweet moments, epic love stories that change and pivot the course of one's life. People like Mr. Darcy's and Augustus Waters, male leads that make the female readers swoon in their seat with their loving words and phrases that melt your heart. But nothing could have prepared me for the amazing feeling that washes over you when it happens in real life.
Will the other boys kiss me too? Will they want too? Do I want them too? Does this mean Lee and I are dating now?
The International well-known girl squeal keeps happening over and over in my head at the mere thought of these questions. Is it bad that I want the answer to all these questions to be yes?
Then a sobering feeling washes over me. Is it ok for me to feel this way about all the boys? In all the stories I have read there has only been one girl and one boy. It feels so natural for me to be with all the boys, but is it ok? I wish my mom was here. I need someone to talk to about all of the events that have transpired over the last month. What would my mom think? Would she even approve? We never talked about stuff like this. We never shared stories about boys and what role they would play in my life. Where boys even an equation in my small sheltered life that I had before coming here? With these last thoughts running through my mind I drifted into an unrestful sleep.

The giddiness of yesterday's kiss has now been trampled on by fear and slight embarrassment. I purposely got up late and got around slowly with the hope that the boys would have already eaten breakfast and started outside. As I enter the main floor, I pause at the end of the steps listening to hear if the boys are in the kitchen. The only sound I hear is Aunt Nonie's singing. With a sigh of relief, I make my way to the smell of bacon and coffee. "Well as I live and breathe if it's not the beautiful face I have been missing! About time, you came to make your way into my kitchen again little bird. I have missed you!" Aunt Nonie says making her way from her place at the counter to come and hug me. Goodness, how I have missed her hugs and her warm smile.
Pulling away slightly she asks "What's going on in that head of yours?"
I Look at her with a stunned expression on my face. How did she know I had so much on my mind?
"Don't look so confused girl. A mother always knows when there is something going on with one of her children." Aunt Nonie says.
I can't help it, I pull her back into our hug again. I really needed a mom hug right now.

"Okay sweetie, why don't we move over to the island and have us a girl to girl chat?"

As I walk to the kitchen island I pull out my notepad. I don't need there to any misunderstandings in what I am about to say. I really need some helpful advice about the boys. Hopefully, she is willing to give it.

Placing a plate of bacon and eggs in front of me with my coffee she says "Alright tell me what's going on. I want to know everything."
Looking up at her I think, How much do I want to tell her? Will she accept how I am feeling? Will she judge me for these feelings I am having for all the boys? Will she tell Uncle? Will she try to keep us apart?

Noticing my slight distress, she gently lays her hand over mine and says "Its okay love. Whatever is going on with you I'm here. I will not judge you. Now, I might say or tell you something you don't want to hear but know, it's coming from a place of love and guidance."

That's all the convincing I need because I start writing.

I write about how I feel about the boys. How they make me feel safe and protected but yet still free for the first time in my life. I tell her about the lap sitting. The kisses on the forehead and cheeks. How they act like these small kisses and touches are normal. I write about the events that unfolded in the library between Lee and I. How my first kiss happened and how it made me feel. About the little adventures, the boys and I go on on the farm. How almost losing Lee made me feel lost. The idea of him or the boys not being in my life makes my heartbreak just at the thought.